


Bring me home for Christmas

by IlovePigeons



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in the Bunker, Communication, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Use Their Words, Fix-It of Sorts, Homeless Castiel, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss of Control, Nightmares, Other, Past Brainwashing, Past Rape/Non-con, Team free will reunited, Voicemail, voicemail fix-it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8808580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlovePigeons/pseuds/IlovePigeons
Summary: Castiel is abandoned and homeless after being kicked from the bunker. The Winchester brothers are not on good terms with each other and Christmas is just around the corner. Can team free will work through their issues and come together in time for Christmas? Or will this year's Christmas suck?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a season 9 AU. I feel like Castiel being kicked out of the bunker was stupid and I felt like Dean and Cas never properly resolved that issue. Then there's the divide between the brothers. I feel like Sam was somehow made the bad guy for being upset about Gadreel. I feel like the show has done a disservice to Sam and Deans bond by not allowing them to work through their issues. So this is a bit of a fix-it type of fanfiction, where my goal is to bring team free will closer together.

It was a cold evening in December. The ground was covered in snow and the winter was looking to be unusually cold. A tall man stood on the street corner, eyeing the payphone across the street. He was rubbing his hands together in a desperate attempt to keep them warm while pondering his choices. He was strongly aware of the coin hidden in the pocket of his dirty trenchcoat. Should he call? He really wanted to. It was so cold. He needed help. 

A car pulled over, stopping in front of him. The front window rolled down, revealing a grinning face.  
”Need a ride?” The man, wrapped tightly in his trench coat, shook his head. After all, he had nowhere to go. 

”I've got money, "the driver continued. As if to prove his point he held up a bunch of bills, making sure that the other man could see them. When the man in the trenchcoat shook his head again, the driver's expression soured.

”Suit yourself, hope your skanky ass freezes to death. I'm not bothered either way, you're probably full of all kinds of diseases.” The car took off. 

The man in the trenchcoat stared confusedly at the departing car, head tilted to the side. He would never understand humans. To the best of his knowledge, he had no diseases. He was completely healthy. The only afflictions he currently suffered from were hunger and cold. As if suddenly reminded of these, he made a decision. He was making the call.

The man hastily crossed the road. He walked over to the payphone. After reading and the rereading the instructions on the phone, he fished out the coin from his pocket and inserted it into the slot. His own phone was gone, but he could still remember his friends' phone number. 

While listening to the dial tone he once again thought about what he was gonna say. Please let me come home. I need you. Is your brother ok? Please, I'm hungry and cold and I don't know how to do this. I'm sorry.

The man was just about to give up when the person on the other end picked up.

"Hello, " answered a gruff, familiar voice. The man in the trench coat was overcome by emotion. His eyes were burning. He tried to say something, but the words got stuck in his throat. 

"Hello, who is this?" The man pulled himself together. He answered.

"Hello, Dean."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out a bit about what Sam and Dean have been up too since the angels fell and Sam stopped the trials.

Things between the Winchesters were strained at best and Dean had no one other than himself to blame. In a desperate attempt to save his dying brother he had tricked him into getting possessed by an angel called Ezekiel. For months he had lied to Sammy, while said angel healed him from the inside. 

At first, things had gone well. It had been too good to be true. First, the angel had forced Dean to kick the freshly human Castiel out from the bunker. Dean had fought tooth and nail to keep his friend at his side, where he would be safe, but in the end, he had no choice but to comply since Ezekiel was essentially keeping his brother hostage. Now Dean had no idea where Cas was, and despite several attempts at getting in touch with the former angel, he'd had no luck on that front. The phone that Dean had given Cas was disconnected. To say he was worried would be an understatement.

Then things had gotten even worse. Turns out the angel's real name was Gadreel. He'd killed Kevin and escaped, still in Sams body. Dean and Crowley, who had reluctantly agreed to help, managed to track down the renegade angel after weeks of looking. Dean could still hear his brother's voice screaming as Crowley tortured the angel, trying to force him to leave Sams vessel. He remembered wanting a drink so bad, to drown out his own memories of hell, but knowing that Sam needed him there and sober. When the torture didn't work Crowley suggested that he also possess Sam. That way he could make Sam aware of the angel's presence. Sam had already kicked Lucifers ass all the way back to the cage. A normal angel would surely be no match for Sam Winchester. 

It had worked. Sam had sent Gadreel packing, forcing the angel to flee. Crowley had also left, making sure that the brothers knew that they owed him one. Great, Dean thought, really looking forward to that. 

And now here they were. Every one of Deans attempts to explain his actions had been met with cold glares and silence. How could Sam not understand? This was the only way to save him. Things certainly hadn't improved when Dean confessed to having kicked Cas out of the bunker, on Gadreels orders. The disappointed look Sam gave him when he'd confessed to having no idea where Cas was made him feel lower than dirt. 

They had put aside their disagreement for the time being and made a temporary, tentative truce. Then they got to work on finding their missing friend. Dean had been too scared to leave the still weak and possessed Sam alone to go looking, but he had asked Garth to keep an eye out. So far there was no news. Cas had disappeared completely. 

The last few months had been a nightmare. Between everything that had been going on with Sam and then the disappearance of Cas, Dean was at the end of his rope. He'd tried to reassure himself by reminding himself that Cas was millions of years old. He was more than capable of looking after himself. But, a nasty voice had whispered, he's human know. He's never been this vulnerable before. Last time he fell, during the apocalypse, the brothers had been at his side. Now he was all alone, hunted by angels. What if he was in trouble, or hurt? 

Dean could see the same worry in Sams tense shoulders. His brother was on the phone talking to Garth. Dean, on the other hand, was using the laptop to check hospitals. The results were the same as every other time he'd checked these past few months. None of the patients matched Cas description. Dean was relieved not to find his friend in a hospital. But then where was he? And why hadn't he called? Was he even alive? No, Dean refused to think that. After all, he'd been through, Cas would also make it through whatever trouble he was in know.

"Thanks, Garth. Keep looking. Lord knows we will." Sam hung up and sat down by the table with a sigh. 

"No luck then, "Dean guessed, closing the laptop.

"What do you think? "Sam gave his brother a tired look. Gadreel might have healed him from the damage done by the trials, but he still wasn't completely fine. He still looked pale and thin. Was he not taking care of himself? Maybe Dean should make them some food. Something healthy. "Are you sure you've told me everything?" Deans thoughts came to a sudden halt.

"What's that supposed to mean?"Dean didn't mean to sound so defensive. No need to antagonize the situation any further. Things were tense enough between them already. 

"Well, can you blame me? You haven't exactly been the epitome of honesty lately, "Sam explained. And fuck that, Dean wasn't gonna just sit here and listen to that. 

"You're one to talk. You've lied about a lot of things. Ruby and the demon blood..."

"Oh sing me another tune, Dean. This isn't about me and my mistakes. This is about you lying to me, tricking me. Can you really blame me for not trusting you?" By now both brothers were on their feet, shouting at each other. 

"So what are you suggesting? That I'm hiding Cas somewhere? " All the worry and stress was making Dean very short tempered. 

"No. Of course not. I was just asking if you've remembered to tell me everything." Sam wasn't handling the situation much better. Dean let out a long breath, calming himself. He saw his brother do the same, running a shaking hand through his long hair. 

"This isn't helping Cas. We need to focus, " Sam pointed out. Dean sat back down and buried his face in his hands. 

"He might be okay, " Sam continued. Dean gave a short laugh. 

"Then why hasn't he called?"

"Maybe his phone broke?" Sam suggested. 

"Maybe, "Dean whispered. 

Suddenly Deans phone rang, startling them both. Dean dove to answer. 

"Cas?" Sam watched as Deans hopeful face fell. "Oh, It's you again, Garth...........What?.............. Yes.....No that's fine. You take the hunt. We get it. You got other things that need to get done. No rest for the wicked. Need backup?.........Ok. Good luck." Dean angrily slammed down the phone on the table. "Fuck." 

"We'll find him, Dean." 

"Sure, but in what shape?" The phone rang again. "Great, what is it this time?" 

"You better answer that, "Sam said, heading towards the kitchen. "Need a drink?" Dean nodded, then answered the phone. 

"Hello, "Dean answered. There was only silence on the other end. Sam returned with two beers, putting one down on the table in front of Dean. He then sat down and opened the laptop. "Hello, who is this?" Dean frowned. He was just about to hang up when the caller answered, uttering the two words that Dean had longed to hear for a very long time. 

"Hello, Dean."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brothers find out that all this time Castiel has been closer than they thought. They rush to get him home. Castiel enjoys Christmas decorations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi=) Sorry about the kinda short chapters. I know I need to work on that. Also sorry for any grammatical errors. I'm not really sure if my checker is very effective.

"Hello, Dean"

There was only silence at the other end of the phone. For a moment Castiel wondered if he'd run out of minutes, but then Dean answered in a shaking voice.

"Cas...Cas, is that you?" Cas heard frantic talking in the background. then shushing. "Cas, buddy, are you okay?" Deans' voice was full of emotion that Cas couldn't identify. "Cas, please?"

"Yes, it's me, " Cas answered. He heard a relieved laugh and then a distant voice that sounded like Sam. "Is that Sam? Is he okay?" The last time Castiel had seen the younger Winchester he had still been recovering from the trials.

"Is he...? Yes, Sam's fine. What about you? Are you ok?" 

Castiel was silent for a moment. He leaned against the wall, contemplating what to answer. He was alive and unhurt, but he wasn't okay. He was hungry. He was cold. And to be honest he was embarrassed. He was older than the planet itself. He still remembered when the first humans walked the earth and he had observed them ever since. Why was he so unable to look after himself in human form? 

"Cas, are you hurt? We've been trying to find you. What happened to your phone? I've....We've been calling you for months. Why haven't you called me?" Dean sounded desperate. Castiel felt vaguely guilty. Dean had had so much to worry about. He had obviously needed Castiel's help with something and he had been unreachable. He should have been there for Dean. 

"I'm sorry. My phone broke." There was a moment of silence. 

"Right...., "Dean answered slowly. "But you still haven't answered my question. Are you okay?"

"I am.... unharmed, but I think I need some help, "Cas admitted, ashamed. He was such a burden on the Winchesters. 

"Of course. Where are you? We'll come get you." 

"I just need some money..." Castiel said. "Just so I can get back on my feet again. " Cas felt that he needed to explain himself. 

"What?" 

"I will, of course, pay you back later." There was more silence and Cas found himself wondering if he was asking too much. He really should learn to take better care of himself. He was not a child. Other people managed just fine.

"Just tell me where you are?" Dean sounded tired. Castiel felt a stab of guilt.

Castiel looked around, spotting a street sign. He then observed the numbers on the buildings around him. Then he proceeded to relay that information on to Dean. 

"Okay. Good. What's the town called? What state are you in?" Castiel was suddenly gripped by uncertainty. What was the town called? He had hitched a couple of rides and he was no longer sure what state he was in, let alone what town. 

"Cas?" Dean sounded worried. "Are you still there?"

"I don't know, "Cas admitted, panic rising. How stupid was he? What was he thinking? No wonder the Winchesters didn't want anything to do with him. He was useless as a human. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know. I don't-"

"It's okay Cas. We can figure it out. Sam's really handy with a laptop, "Dean interrupted Castiel's panicked ramblings, his voice soothing. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Can you see any landmarks?" Castiel looked around. 

"There's a Starbucks nearby." 

That's....that's not really helpful. Those things are everywhere, " Dean answered. Castiel felt a stab of worry. "Try again." Castiel thought back on his earlier explorations of the town.

"There's a park with a big angel statue a couple of streets away, "Cas suddenly remembered. He had spent hours walking around in said park. It had seemed oddly appropriate. "There was also some kind of memorial fountain for some kind of actress. I think she was called Jane or Jean or something like that." 

"That's good," Dean said. He spoke to Sam, giving him the new information. Castiel didn't hear what Sam replied, but the sound of his voice made the former angel feel a little less worried. "Sam's gonna figure this out, and then we'll come and get you." Castiel let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Dean, "Castiel whispered. "Thank you." 

"Anytime, Cas. I need you, remember?" 

"Yes, of course. What can I help you with? Is it demons, angels....?" Castiel might not be an angel anymore, but he still had a lot of knowledge about supernatural beings and ancient languages. 

"What? No that's not -" Dean suddenly cut off. Castiel heard the brothers talking in the background. He waited patiently. It was getting late, but there was still a lot of traffic around, even though the street was not a very big one. 

"Okay, Sam says he's found a park matching your description. It's only a couple of hours away. To think that all this time you've been this close...." Castiel felt both relieved and embarrassed. "Go and wait for us at the cafe. It's cold outside. We'll be there soon. Have a hot drink and keep warm." 

"Okay, Dean."

"See you soon. Don't take off." Dean hung up. 

Cas kept listening to the dial tone for a while. He then hung up the phone and took off towards the cafe. Soon he would see his friends again. Dean had promised that they would help him and Castiel trusted him. Maybe he could figure out a way to still be of use to the brothers. They might even take him back if he could prove that he could be trusted. He just had to play his cards right.

 

Miles away the Winchesters were getting into a black Impala. Dean got into the driver seat while Sam entered the passenger seat, holding a laptop. The Impala took off, tires screeching, leaving behind their home, the bunker. 

Sam opened the laptop and started typing furiously. Dean briefly took his eyes off the road to glance at his brother. 

"You sure about this. I mean, if you're wrong -, "Dean started. Sam interrupted him.

"Look, Dean. I'm pretty sure I've got the right place, but I'll keep checking for other alternatives. You said Cas was fine, right?" Dean nodded hesitantly. "What?"

"He said he wasn't hurt, but something felt a little of. And we still don't know where he's been."

"You think maybe some of the angels might have held him captive?" Sam sounded worried. He was still typing away furiously.

"It's possible, "Dean answered. He'd thought he would feel better after hearing from Cas but he still felt uneasy. Hopefully, the feeling would ease once he saw Cas for himself. Sam and Cas were his family and he needed to know that they were safe, both of them. 

"He should never have been alone, not now, "Sam lamented. Dean felt another stab of guilt. 

"I know, "Dean whispered. He gripped the wheel tighter and pushed down the pedal. The Impala sped up, eating away the miles. She too was in a hurry to find their missing friend. 

 

Meanwhile, Castiel was hoping to warm up a little bit before Sam and Dean found him. Maybe he could even clean up a little bit if there was a restroom in the coffee shop. He needed a shave and his angel blade would have to do. By the time he made it to Starbucks he felt much lighter. 

The coffee shop was crowded. As Castiel opened the door the bell above the entrance jingled. He was immediately hit by a wave of warmth as he entered. The second thing he registered was the noise. There was a family of five sitting by the window on his left. The father was calmly sipping coffee as the mother desperately tried to silence their rowdy children with promises of snack. Bribery thought Castiel. What an interesting approach to parenthood. 

It seemed to work, though. The children quieted down, happily munching on their prices. There was a long queue of people by the counter. The two employees behind the counter were busy serving the customers. One of the women in the queue was holding a crying toddler and judging by her stressed look the child had been unhappy for a while. Many of the people, both standing and sitting, were holding big shopping bags, some containing gifts wrapped in Christmasy paper. Christmas, Castiel realized. Of course. It must soon be Christmas. 

He found an empty seat at the table by the family of five. The parents looked at his scruffy appearance. The mother moved the children closer to her and the father stared suspiciously at Castiel's dirty, tattered coat. 

Castiel decided to ignore them. Instead, he studied his surroundings. The shop was full of Christmas decorations.There were beautiful, colorful lights hanging in the windows. On every table, including his own, there was a small red candle. Castiel brought his cold hands to the candle in a desperate attempt to warm them. He smiled in pleasure, before noticing the weird looks he got from the people behind the counter. 

The employees were looking at his suspicious appearance, lack of winter clothing and the scruffy beard. They weren't the only ones either. The other customers were also observing him in a judgemental manner. Some were politely looking elsewhere, but most were openly staring at him. 

Castiel suddenly felt very claustrophobic. He hid his hands in his coat pockets and did his best to make himself small. He could only pray that Dean and Sam would be there soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team free will finally reunite. We explore how Sam feels about Gadreel and Deans actions. We also find out a bit about what's happened to Cas, and how Dean feels about the consequences of his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I was thinking off, writing a Christmas story this close to Christmas. It was never meant to be a long story, but we'll see if it's done in time.
> 
> Also, big thanks to everyone that left me a kudos. It really means a lot=)

The silence in the Impala was tense and stifling. After finally hearing from Cas the brothers had hurried to find him. Now the temporary truce that had existed between them was stretched to a breaking point by the close proximity they were forced into. At least at the bunker, they had been able to retreat when things got to heated, but in the Impala they had nowhere to run. 

Sam was stubbornly looking out the window, effectively ignoring Dean. He could basically feel the guilt radiating off his brother. Good, he thought. Let him wallow.

As the younger Winchester watched the landscape go by he thought about Kevin. The young man had already sacrificed and lost so much. He was basically a kid. They should have been looking after him. Every time Sam closes his eyes he sees Gadreel killing the prophet. He sees his hands killing Kevin.

In his nightmares, Kevin accuses him of his death, even though logically Sam knows it wasn't his fault. Though, killing people while not in full control of his actions seems to be becoming a habit for Sam. Meg, Lucifer and now Gadreel. Not to mention being soulless. His hands are drenched in blood and he'll never be able to wash it away. To know that Dean played a part in him becoming possessed by the angel was betrayal on a whole nother scale. 

Sam just didn't understand his brother sometimes. There was a time when Sam would have claimed to know everything about his brother. But a lot had happened since then. A lot of secrets, lies and betrayal. They had both died. They had both spent time in hell and that had changed them both. They had lost people, their dad, Bobby, Ellen, Jo and now Kevin.

Sometimes he secretly wondered if Dean was punishing him for Ruby, the demon blood, letting Lucifer out and his latest screw up with Amelia. Punishing him by controlling him, not letting him go

Which made no sense, he knew that. Dean had wanted to kill him even before he let Lucifer out of the cage. Once Sam had helped Dean kill Ruby he'd fully expected his brother to drive the knife hilt deep into him as well. It would have been well deserved. Sam could only guess that the ongoing apocalypse had stayed Dean's hand and what a good thing that had ended up being. It would have been difficult for Sam to drag Lucifer into the cage if he'd been dead. 

Sam had thought that maybe jumping into the cage was his redemption, his way to make up for everything he'd done, for all the people that died because of Lucifer. For the nurse he killed. 

But then he had made new mistakes. He'd walked around soulless for a year and later he'd left Dean to rot in Purgatory. The trials were supposed to redeem him again, not only in Dean's eyes but his own.

Then Dean had asked him to stop, begged him not die. For that brief fleeting moment in the church, it had felt like they were proper brothers again. Whatever homicidal feelings Dean had harbored towards Sam, whatever bitterness he had felt over Amelia, seemed to have disappeared. 

Sam glanced over at his brother. Dean was focusing intently on the road, totally focused on getting to Castiel as fast as possible. 

His brother had never been possessed by a demon or angel. The cursed penny was the closest to actual possession that his brother had experienced. He didn't understand what it felt like. The violation. The guilt. The loss of faith in oneself. And then the consequences. The blood on your hands. 

He said he was sorry, but how could he be when he didn't even understand what he did wrong?

Dean had made it very clear that he was sorry about what happened to Kevin, but he didn't seem all that sorry about tricking Sam into becoming possessed. He was sorry for the consequences of his action, not the action itself. 

And that worried Sam immensely. How could he ever again truly trust Dean, when he was now on the list of people who had trampled all over Sams bodily autonomy. 

 

Castiel had stayed at the coffee shop for as long as he could, but when the employees had realized that he wasn't gonna buy anything they'd told him to leave. Their exact words had been; "This is a respectable establishment, not a place for homeless drug-addicts to loiter at." 

Castiel had left, face burning. Suddenly he was once again out in the cold. Unfortunately, it had also started snowing. He had stayed outside the shop, but when one of the employees had approached him again, darkly frowning, he had fled. 

He had slowly made his way back towards the payphone. Thinking that the brothers would probably show up there at some point, he had decided to stand there. 

When he had become too tired to stand, he had sat down. At some point, he must have nodded off, because the next thing he knew someone was shaking him carefully. 

"-Cas, CAS, time to wake up buddy." Even through the groggy haze that had taken over his mind Castiel recognized that voice. He would recognize Dean's voice anywhere, anytime. He slowly uncurled and answered.

"Hello, Dean." His voice sounded hoarse. Must be the cold. 

Dean was kneeling in front of him, and Sam was standing close by. They both looked shocked and worried. 

Castiel had waited for this moment for so long. He had dreamt of seeing his friends again. Now that the moment was here he felt such an overwhelming sense of relief that he was alarmed to feel his eyes fill up. 

"Hi there, Cas, "Dean said, relieved. Behind him, Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "What happened to staying at Starbucks? Keeping warm? "

"They threw me out, "Cas explained, getting to his feet slowly. Sam stepped forward, to help him up, but Dean was one step ahead. He helped Castiel to his feet. 

"What?" Sam sounded annoyed. "Why?"

"It doesn't matter, "Cas said, embarrassed. He avoided eye contact with the brothers. Sam and Dean shared a puzzled look. 

"Of course it matters, It's cold as Siberia out here and you're not dressed for the weather. What happened?" 

"I.....I couldn't buy anything. I don't have any money. They also seemed offended by my appearance. "

"Your what?" 

Both Winchesters suddenly seemed to realize just how scruffy their friend looked. Their stares made Castiel feel very self-conscious. He was acutely aware of the fact that he had not showered in almost a week. It had been even longer since he had been able to wash his clothes. 

He had to look and smell horrible. 

There was a moment where the brothers just stared at Castiel, and Castiel shifted awkwardly on his feet, shivering. 

Then the moment passed and Sam sprung into action. 

"The Impala is just around the corner." Sam took off his own gloves, handing them to Castiel. "Wear these, it will help."

Dean was silent, staring at Cas. When their eyes met Dean averted his and Castiel felt a sinking feeling in his gut. 

They slowly made their way towards the car, making their way past streetlights and cars covered in snow. Castiel greedily put on the gloves. They were heavenly. His own gloves had been lost and ever since then his fingers had suffered horribly from the cold. 

"Do you have any stuff that we need to pick up?"

"No, "Castiel shook his head. "I had to leave everything behind."

"What? Why?" 

"The angels found me. I escaped, but I couldn't go back for anything."

"Wait, "Dean suddenly exploded. "You were captured. When? You said you were okay?"

They were now at the Impala. Both brothers were once again staring intently at Castiel as if seeking for injuries. 

"I'm alright, "Cas hastened to reassure them. "It was weeks ago. I have healed well from my latest altercation."

"Latest?"

"Yes, "Castiel nodded. "My brothers have been looking for me very diligently. I've had to employ all of my skill to stay ahead of them. I wasn't always successful." 

Was it just Castiel's imagination or was Sam glaring at Dean? 

They got into the car. The Winchesters got into the front and Castiel climbed into the backseat. It was cold in the car and Castiel tried to arrange himself so that he could get warm as fast as possible. 

The sound of a car door slamming took him by surprise. He looked up to see Dean heading towards the trunk of the car. 

Castiel looked over at Sam, who seemed just as confused. Then suddenly his face lit up in understanding. Before he could explain, the back door was opened by Dean. 

"Here you go." Dean handed Castiel a blanket. 

Castiel looked blankly at Dean. Dean sighed. 

"To help you get warm, Cas." 

Cas quickly grabbed the blanket, untangling it. He then proceeded to cover himself to the best of his abilities. He made sure to tuck in his hands and feet properly. 

When he looked up Dean was observing him with a smile. It faded away when he noticed Cas looking. 

"Let's go home." Dean closed the door, then got back behind the wheel. He started the car and reversed out into the road. Then they took off. 

The warm blanket was already making Cas feel drowsy, but in the back of his mind, he felt a bit uneasy. Dean was obviously upset at him. Upset that he was so weak, upset that he had allowed himself to get captured and injured. 

"Hey, why don't you rest. It'll take us a while to get to the bunker. " Sam's voice is kind as always, and it soothes Castiel further. How this man had ever been Lucifers true vessel didn't make any sense to Cas. He still felt ashamed of all the things that he'd thought about Sam, the things heaven had thought him to believe. The boy with the demon blood he'd called him when they first met. It was a wonder that Sam was so kind to him. Heaven couldn't have been more wrong about him, Castiel knew that for a fact. 

He closes his eyes and allows himself to drift away, warm and safe for the first time in a long while. 

 

It was official. Dean was the worst person ever. He'd screwed his brother up to the point that he was angry about not being dead. He'd let Kevin down, and now the kid was dead. And to top it all of he'd left Cas to fend for himself in human form. 

To know that Cas had been hunted and injured by the other angels while he should have been safe in the bunker, learning how to drink beer and eat sandwiches, made Dean's stomach turn. 

All because of my mistakes, Dean thought. 

He'd been shocked to realize the shape Cas was in. At first, he'd been so happy and relieved to see his friend that he hadn't noticed how bad Cas looked. 

It was only after Cas had explained why he was outside that Dean had seen what he should have noted immediately. The dirty and tattered trench coat. The lack of a hat and gloves. The scruffy beard and dirty hair. 

The pale and gaunt face. 

The image of a shivering Cas filled Dean's mind and he quickly sneaked a look at the sleeping man in the backseat. 

Castiel had drifted to sleep before they even got out of the town and onto the highway. He seemed to have gained some color after getting out of the cold. 

"You're supposed to keep an eye on the road, you know." 

"I am." Dean guiltily refocused on the road. 

"Sure, "Sam snorted. "He seems pretty okay now but if we crash that might change." 

"Shut up, Sam."

"I mean it, Dean. Stow it for now. Let's get back to the bunker first." 

"And then what?"

"You talk to him, explain, apologize, and then thank whatever divinity that's listening that he's okay." 

"And that he'll forgive me?"

"That too. But don't worry, he will. He thinks the sun shines out of your ass. In his eyes, you can do no wrong." 

"What about you? Can you forgive me?" Dean looks over at his brother, who avoids his gaze. Sam leans back in his seat, sighing. 

"How can I forgive you, when you won't even apologize for what you did?"

"I have apologized. I'm sorry about Kevin. I really didn't mean for him to get hurt." Dean carefully kept his agitated voice as quiet as possible.

"I know you didn't. This isn't about Kevin."

"Then what is it about? Not letting you die. Well, I'm sorry for saving your life. There. Happy now." 

Sam gives him a shuttered look. Cas has been found but his brother is now miles away, unreachable and cold yet again. Dean swears silently. 

"Look, Sam-" Dean starts, but Sam doesn't let him finish. 

"Just....Just take us back to the bunker, okay." 

Dean nods in defeat, even as Sam turns away from him to observe the passing scenery.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finally gets to sleep in a warm bed. He's also disturbed to hear what's happened in his absence. Sam and Dean fight again, and old issues are brought to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's still a bit left of this story. I decided not to rush it in order to finish in time for Christmas. I'd rather write it properly. 
> 
> Thank you for the comment and kudos=)

Castiel could swear that this was the comfiest, warmest bed in the whole world. It had two pillows and a very thick blanket. Last night, after they had gotten to the bunker, Sam had prepared a room for Castiel while Dean had helped him prepare food in the kitchen. 

Even after his short nap in the car, Castiel had been too tired to do anything other than eat, shower and then crash. 

Crawling under the blankets in his temporarily very own room, warm, cozy and with a full stomach, he had felt like the luckiest person ever. Sleep had come easily that night, even his usual nightmares had left him in peace. For the first time since Metatron had cut out his grace, Castiel woke up feeling well rested. 

He really wished he could have stayed there forever, but unfortunately, his stomach had other plans. The growling was starting to get pretty loud.

And that's why Castiel is now heading towards the kitchen. Dean and Sam had left him a pair of clean clothes to use. They were too big for Castiel, as he had lost some weight since becoming human. The pants were probably Dean's, but judging by the size of the t-shirt it had to be Sam's. He would have to remember to thank them again for their generosity. 

He passes Kevin's room and briefly wonders what the prophet might be up to. Probably busy reading or translating. Perhaps he should check on him? They could enjoy breakfast together. Castiel had seen the amount of food their fridge contained. It was  
amazing. There was enough for everyone.

He knocks on the door. There's no answer. 

How strange, Cas thinks, continuing on with his journey. Perhaps Kevin was already at breakfast?

 

There's an enticing smell coming from the kitchen. It makes Castiel's mouth water. He recognizes the scent of coffee, and possibly bacon.

Castiel stands by the kitchen entrance for a while, enjoying the view in front of him. 

Dean is standing by the stove frying what appears to be a bunch of eggs and bacon. The coffee machine is brewing. There are already a couple of plates on the table, as well as mugs and utensils. 

"Hey. Look who's up" Sam suddenly appears behind Cas, startling him. Castiel tries to hide his reaction but judging by the amused look Sam shoots him he fails spectacularly. 

Dean looks up, smiling. 

"Morning Cas, "Dean greets him. "I see the beard is still with us." 

Castiel drags a hand over his face, grimacing. 

"Yes. I will get rid of it later. " 

Dean nods then he turns to Sam. 

"Morning Sam, "Dean says, carefully. "How was your run?" Sam only grunts in response. Dean's smile slides off. 

It's then Castiel realizes that Sam is holding a towel and that his hair is still kind of wet. 

"Morning jogs, Cas, "Sam explains, seeing Castiel's confused look. "They're amazing. You could join me sometimes?"

"That sounds lovely Sam, " Castiel answers, happy to be included. He's always been closer to Dean, for obvious reasons, but the idea of Sam inviting him to join in his morning exercises makes Cas feel very pleased and included.

"Maybe we could all go, "Dean suggests hopefully. "Do a bit of team bonding." He scrapes the last pieces of food from the pan and turns of the stove. 

"You've never cared about jogging before. " Sam's whole posture screams of discomfort. 

"Well, I thought maybe we could-, "Dean starts.

"No, "Sam interrupts. "Just....No." He looks guilty but determined. 

There's an awkward silence, during which both brothers avoid looking at each other. There's a tenseness in the air. Castiel shifts uncomfortably. What's going on here?

Then Dean sighs.

"Fine, Sam. Whatever you say, man." Dean sounds defeated. 

The horrible silence is broken by the rumbling of Castiel's stomach. Both Dean and Sam look up at the sound. Castiel feels his face heat up. 

"I....I seem to be craving sustenance, "Castiel explains. Sam chuckles, bad mood pushed aside for the moment. Dean hurries to fill a plate with eggs and bacon, then hands it to Castiel. Then he hurriedly places food on the other plates.

"Here you go, Cas."

"Coffee?" Sam is pouring himself a cup while offering to pour some for Cas. 

"Yes, please." Sam proceeds to pour him a cup.

There's a weird moment, almost like an awkward dance between the brothers, when Sam and Dean don't seem to know what to do about Dean's coffee. Sam tries to pour a cup for Dean, while Dean seems to think that Sam's gonna ignore him. It ends with Sam handing the whole coffee pot to Dean.

Castiel's befuddled by the display. The brothers are usually impressively in sync, a result of a lifetime of training and hunting together. 

Sam and Dean both start eating in silence. 

"Wait. Shouldn't we wait for Kevin?" Castiel suddenly remembers that the prophet is missing. He's hungry, but not hungry enough to be rude. 

The brothers both stop eating, their faces serious. 

"Look, Cas, "Dean says gently. "We need to tell you something important." Castiel suddenly starts feeling nauseous. He pushes away his plate. 

"Are you....Are you going to ask me to leave again?"

"What? No." Dean sounds horrified. 

"We want you to stay here in the bunker, with us, "Sam hurries to reassure. 

"But this is about earlier, "Dean explains. "There was a good reason why I had to ask you to leave the bunker."

"Yes, I know. You had to protect your brother. I understand that. It's Sam." 

"Yes, it was for Sam, but not the way you think." Dean looks very guilty and uncomfortable. Sam's face is stony. 

"I don't understand." 

"I screwed up, Cas. I really screwed up." Dean takes a deep breath, then continues. "It all started when I went to stop Sam from completing the trials...."

 

Castiel had listened attentively, with mounting horror, as the story unfolded. It had been a relief to know that Dean hadn't really wanted him gone. Hearing what had happened later made Castiel's relief turn to grief. 

"Oh Kevin, "Cas sighs. "He will rest in heaven now." The passing of a prophet is always a big event amongst the angels. The prophets are a direct link to God, and therefore they are revered by all of Heaven. 

The lengths that Dean would go too to save his brother worried Castiel sometimes. It was, after all, the reason he had ended up in Hell, in the first place. A lot of things had happened since then, but Dean's desperation to keep his brother alive and safe remained unchanged. 

But there was a big difference between selling your soul for someone, and letting that someone become possessed. 

"Oh Dean, "Cas laments. "what were you thinking?"

"I asked you Cas, "Dean says, defensively. "I asked you about Ezekiel and you said he was trustworthy. I couldn't have known what was gonna happen."

"That doesn't justify anything, Dean. You still tricked me." Sam sounds like they've had this discussion a million times already. 

"I saved your life, "Dean shouts. He looks over at Cas, apparently expecting support. He is about to become disappointed.

"Sam's right. Tricking someone into becoming possessed is wrong." As an angel, consent is very important to Castiel. He receives a look of relief from Sam. 

"It's not like it was a demon. It was an angel." 

"So was Lucifer, "Sam whispers. His voice is quiet, but it rings loud in the sudden silence. 

"This was nothing like that, "Dean insists after a moment, face pale, like the comparison had never even occurred to him. It probably hadn't. 

"Wasn't it, Dean?" Sam sounds tired. "I'm tired of having no control over my own mind and body. Ever since I was born I've been messed with. Demon blood, manipulation, and possession. Why can't you see why your actions are so wrong?"

"I couldn't just let you die, Sam. Not after everything that happened at the church. You stopped the trials. You wanted to live."

"I didn't want to be possessed again. I didn't want any more blood on my hands."

"Kevin's on me, not you. Nobody blames you for that, "Dean says desperately. Sam just shakes his head.

"Do you really think it matters if other people blame me? I blame me. It was my hand that smote him. I see him every night."

"You're my brother. You're my responsibility. I'll always save you, no matter what the cost."

"Except for when you're angry at me and want to kill me." For a moment Sam seems surprised by what he said, but then he soldiers on. "Is that how our relationship works? You decide when I deserve to live, and when I deserve to die. I can't live like this, Dean."

"What are you talking about? I've never wanted you dead." 

"Stop lying to me, "Sam explodes. 

"I'm not lying." Dean is starting to sound angry. 

Castiel had decided to let the brothers hash things out, to see if maybe they could work things out, but things seemed to be spiraling out of control. He opens his mouth to interfere when Sam throws him a warning look. 

"I can't believe you. Are you really gonna pretend that you weren't ready to kill me like dad told you to do?"

"Are you high or something? You asked me to kill you if you ever went dark side, and I promised to do so, just to shut your drunk ass up. I was never gonna do that."

"So you didn't call me a vampire and threaten to kill me the next time you saw me?"

"Threaten to kill?....No of course not. I would never." Dean sounds confused.

"So now I'm a liar?"

"No. I just....You hallucinated a lot before Cas fixed you. You probably imagined the whole thing."

"You know what? Fuck you Dean. I can't believe you're using my mental breakdown as an excuse-."

"It's not an excuse."

"I can't do this anymore. "Sam gets up.

"Don't you walk away Sammy. We need to talk about this." Dean also gets up. 

"No. This conversation is over. "Sam glares at his brother, then storms of. For a moment Castiel thinks Dean will follow his brother, but he stays put. 

"Dammit, "Dean swears loudly. He smacks the table, before sitting back down, sighing.

Castiel sadly eyes the breakfast. The food has gone cold and the coffee is now lukewarm. It hardly mattered, though. Not after what he had just heard and then witnessed. Sam's breakfast lies abandoned on the table. 

"Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" Castiel looks up, meeting his friends gaze.

"Could....Could Gadreel have manipulated Sam's memories somehow? Made him think that I.....Made him think those things?" Dean sounds hopeful.

"It is possible. Angels do have the ability to manipulate memories." Castiel suddenly remembers Lisa and Ben. Judging by Dean's face, he's also thinking of them. "But to what purpose?"

"I don't know. To drive a wedge between us? Why else would Sam think something like this?"

"I don't know, Dean. It seems unlikely."

"Oh, "Dean deflates. "Well then maybe he's just confused from the hallucinations? I mean, it was a while ago, but still?"

"Maybe, "Cas agrees, but secretly he thinks that Sam sounded very sure about himself. Besides, Cas had been very thorough when fixing Sam's head. 

"I had no choice, Cas. I had to save him. He'll understand." 

"Dean, you always have a choice. Free will, remember. After everything Sam's been through, you should have known better. And what possessed you to trust an angel?"

"You're an angel, and I trust you." 

"I haven't always proven myself worthy of your trust, "Cas points out. "And I'm no longer an angel. "

"Still-" Dean is interrupted by the sound of Sam charging back into the kitchen. 

"Here, "he says angrily, slamming down his phone on the table, barely missing Dean's plate. The coffee ripples from the force of it. 

"Sam-?" Dean's interrupted again. 

"No. Don't talk. Listen." Sam's face is determined. He presses a button on the phone and Dean's voice fills the kitchen. 

" Listen to me you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you a fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster Sam, a vampire. You're not you anymore, and there's no going back."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat's out of the bag. Dean now needs to convince his brother that the voicemail is a fake. Sam is reluctant to believe his brother. Cas is mostly in the audience, "enjoying" the Winchester family drama, sadly still with an empty stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the update was a bit later than I thought, but I ended up being a bit lazy over X-mas. 
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos=) They are all very appreciated.

" Listen to me you bloodsucking freak. Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you a fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster Sam, a vampire. You're not you anymore, and there's no going back."

In the silence that followed, Sam's heavy breathing was all that could be heard.

He felt strangely relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. That voicemail had been haunting them for a long time, hanging around like a bad smell. Sam had felt like kicking himself when, in the heat of the moment, he'd brought it up. He'd always been too afraid to talk to Dean about the message, worried that his brother would tell him that he still felt all those things, despite all the work that Sam had done to regain his trust. 

So when Dean had let it go, denied it even, Sam should have felt relieved. But he hadn't. He was hurt, betrayed and too tired to deal with their messed up relationship. So being the masochist that he was, he'd decided to pursue the issue.

And Dean had continued to deny the content of the voicemail. It hadn't taken Sam long to realize that the denial was probably connected to Cas's presence in the room. With a brief flare of annoyance, Sam had also realized that Dean seemed to care more about Cas's opinion concerning his actions at the hospital, than about Sam's. One look at Castiel's worried face has him smothering his annoyance. Cas had supported and understood him, where his brother didn't. It wasn't his fault that Sam and Dean had such deep-seated issues.

The silence seemed to stretch on forever until Cas broke it.

"Dean. I don't understand. What is this?" Cas sounded disappointed. His eyes were somber. He looked grimly at Dean. When Dean didn't answer, Cas turned his attention over to Sam. "Sam?"

Sam meets Cas worried gaze and gives him a tired smile. 

"Everything has it's limit, Cas. I'm everything we were brought up to kill. And I made enough mistakes to go from brother to bother." That particular realization never ceased to hurt, even after all this time.

Dean made a strangled noise in the back of his throat. His face was pale and slack. He was staring at the phone in shock. Finally, he raised his head and looked into Sam's eyes.

"That's not me. I would never...., "Dean said slowly, almost like he couldn't believe what was happening. "You're my....We're family. This...This isn't real."

Sam sighed.

"Dean, please-"

"No, "Dean shouted, getting to his feet. His eyes were wild. He looked from Sam to Cas and then back to Sam again. "What is this? Who sent this to you?" 

"You did, who else-"

"No, "Dean repeated. His voice was getting shrill and had the circumstances been less serious Sam would have poked fun at his brother. "That's not me. Someone's messing with us. When did you get this?"

"You know when. You sent it. "Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. Did his brother suffer from some kind of selective memory? Or was he just trying to weasel his way out of this conversation?

"Just tell me, "Dean practically shouted.

"It was right before I killed Lillith." Sam decided to indulge his brother, morbidly curious as to where this was going. "The night that I let Lucifer loose."

Dean blinked in surprise.

"That was years ago-" Cas started before he was rudely interrupted.

"I did send you a voicemail that evening, "Dean said slowly, with a faraway look in his eyes. Cas inhaled sharply.

"Dean?"

Sam felt nauseous. It had happened years ago, but hearing Dean actually acknowledge the voicemail hurt, like it was somehow more real now that it had been laid out in front of them. As long as they hadn't talked about it, it had remained in the background, hidden and unable to cause any further pain. Dean's dismissive attitude towards the voicemail had made Sam feel even worse. Despite all the years that had passed, Sam had never forgotten that message. Yet his brother needed to be reminded of its existence.

The room sank into silence yet again. Sam wanted to escape so bad, retreat to the safety of his own room, but he stood firm. He could do this. He could face this. 

Dean was still blinking owlishly, processing the situation. Sam wondered if his brother's brain had been fried. This was a lot to deal with before your first cup of coffee. And Dean had never been good at dealing with deep discussions. 

Cas looked thoughtful, staring into nothingness. He seemed baffled, rather than uncomfortable.

Sam sighed. This was gonna be a long day.

 

Dean had honestly thought that things would work out ones they found Cas. Dean knew that kicking Cas from the bunker and leaving him to fend for himself was one of the reasons why Sam was so angry at him. He'd thought that ones they reunited with Cas, maybe Sam could begin to forgive his brother. 

But Sam was still upset about Gadreel, and even worse, Cas had agreed with him. Dean had been hoping that Cas would side with him since they shared a more profound bond. He should have remembered that, as a former angel, Cas would take consent seriously. Then again, a lot of the angels they'd met had had very interesting ideas about consent. 

Zachariah sprang to mind. He'd gone to extreme lengths in order to get Dean to agree to be Michael's vessel.

Sam bringing up Lucifer had felt like a gut punch. For Dean it had suddenly started to sink in that possession was a huge deal, a trauma, for his brother. Something, that in retrospect, he should have been more aware of. His brother had always carried around the guilt of his mistakes. The things Sam had done while possessed really weighed on him, despite them not being his fault at all. Dean had known of course, already at the hospital, that he was going too far, but what else could he have done? He'd needed to save his brother. It was his job. It had always been his job. 

When Sam had started ranting about Dean wanting to kill him, he'd gone from confused and annoyed to downright worried. Obviously, he'd missed something important concerning his brother. His first thought had been that maybe the hallucinations from when Cas brought down the wall were still screwing with his brothers head. 

Hearing his own hateful voice coming from Sam's phone, words literally dripping with poison, had felt unreal. Suddenly Dean had been very happy that his stomach was still empty, otherwise, his breakfast would have been making a reappearance. 

Sam's sad and resigned face had made the whole thing worse. His brother had not believed him when he'd tried to explain that the voicemail was fake. The fact that Sam could ever believe that Dean would hurt him, want to hunt him, was horrible, painful. 

Dean needed to figure out who was responsible for this, for hurting his brother so badly. The only clue he had was the timing of the voicemail. That evening Dean had been on lock-down, forbidden by the angels from stopping Sam from breaking the last seal. 

Suddenly something niggled at the back of his mind.

"Zachariah, "He growled. It was the only thing that made sense. 

"What?" Sam looked at him, Cas frowned.

"That night, when Lucifer rose. Zachariah told me that you would need a nudge in the right direction, "Dean explained. 

"You just admitted to sending me that message."

"Yes. I mean no. I sent you a message but not that one." Dean needed to make Sam understand. He needed to fix this, fix them. 

Sam snorted. Cas was looking at Dean very intently, unblinkingly.

"Just listen to me, please. If after you don't believe me then fine, but please give me a chance." He was lying, of course. He would never let Sam go on believing that he had ever been willing to kill him. 

"Sam, "Cas said. "Listen to your brother. I believe you need to hear this."

Sam looked at Cas, then at Dean's earnest face. Then Sam slowly nodded. He sat down next to Cas. When two pairs of eyes fixed themselves on Dean, he suddenly felt a bit nervous. He almost felt like he was facing an interrogation.

"After the fight we had, I started feeling bad about the things I said, "Dean started. "I decided to call you. I can't remember the exact words I used, but the general gist of it was that despite everything with Ruby and the demon blood, we would always be brothers."

Cas was looking at him, obviously evaluating the truthfulness of his story. Back me up here, Cas, Dean thought to himself. 

Sam was....Dean wasn't sure what Sam thought. He was watching Dean, but his face was carefully blank, eyes empty and watchful. Dean hated it. With a shudder, he realized that it reminded him of soulless Sam.

Dean was suddenly grabbed by the insane urge to shake him, to see anything other than emptiness. 

Thankfully the urge passed before he could make things worse. Instead, he continued to talk.

"I told you I was sorry, "Dean continued softly. He tried to reach for Sam's hand, but it twitched away so Dean changed his mind. Something flickers quickly across Sam's face, but it's gone before Dean can identify it. 

Best not to push it.

"I promise you, Sammy. I'm not lying. You're my brother. And you know me. You know how I feel about chick flick moments. I wouldn't just make up some kind of emotional voicemail and the proceed to have a big heart to heart about it with you two." 

The kitchen fell into silence. Dean felt tired and wrung out, having exhausted his emotional quota for the month, maybe even several months. 

"I believe you, "Sam whispered. His stupid bangs were covering his eyes, leaving Dean unable to tell what his brother was thinking. But something told him that they weren't empty anymore. 

Deans sighed in relief. He got up to hug his brother but before he could, Sam left without saying another word. 

Dean and Cas were ones again left behind. Dean stared at the door. He'd expected a heartfelt hug, maybe even some tears from his emotional brother. He hadn't expected this. 

"Dean?" A hesitant, whispered question interrupted his musings. Dean almost jumped. He'd forgotten that he wasn't alone in the kitchen. 

"Can I reheat this?" Cas sounded apologetic. He was sadly eyeing his breakfast.

Dean smiled. He grabbed Cas's plate and then proceeded to show him how to use the microwave. 

Dean would give Sam some space for now. He probably needed to think. He seemed to believe Dean now, and that was the important part. They would talk more later.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries to process what he's recently learned.
> 
> Cas and Dean talk a bit, then they spend some time together doing domestic stuff.
> 
> Cas finally gets rid of his beard.

Sam lay on his bed, absentmindedly staring at the ceiling. After the shocking revelation earlier he'd retreated to his room to regroup. To hide, whispered a voice inside his head, I think you mean, to hide. 

He groaned, pushing the flats of his hands into his eyes. How could he have been this stupid? He was so easy to manipulate. No wonder both Heaven and Hell had targeted him.

They had played him like a fiddle. 

Sam knew that breaking in Hell had made Dean feel weak, but the truth was that Sam had been the weak link all along. The voicemail only proved it. All his life he'd been led around on a leash, by angels, demons, his father and sometimes even Dean.

Dean had never brought up the voicemail. A part of Sam had hoped that maybe Dean had been ashamed of the things he'd said, maybe even regretted them. His brother had never been good at talking about feelings or opening up.

As time had passed Sam had given up on the issue, preferring to look forward. Every now and then, when the urge for demon blood got strong or when he felt too good about himself, he'd listened to that voicemail and remembered all the mistakes he'd made, all the people that had died because of him. He deserved nothing more than to carry the weight of his guilt for the rest of his life.

Dean must have felt awful. He'd sent Sam a heartfelt message, only to be seemingly rejected by his brother. 

Oh, God. Why hadn't he just confronted Dean? It would have saved them both so much heartbreak. Sam felt like their relationship hadn't quite returned to what it used to be after all the betrayal and lies after Dean returned from Hell. He'd never loved his brother any less, but he knew that Dean's image of him had been tarnished. Maybe knowing that the voicemail was switched would have allowed their brotherly bond to heal?

He felt a headache coming on. He was also getting a bit hungry. Too bad he was too embarrassed to go to get something from the kitchen. 

The life of Sam Winchester everybody, he thought to himself, bitterly. 

If he pulled the blankets over his head, hiding from the world, at least no one was around to witness it. 

 

To say that Dean nearly had a heart attack upon entering the bathroom and finding Cas, holding an angel blade against his throat, would be an understatement. Seeing the look on Dean's face Cas lowered his blade. Dean quickly jumped forward and grabbed the blade from Castiel's unresisting hand.

"Christo, "he muttered, getting ready to yell for his brother. Cas only blinked in surprise. 

"Hello, Dean, "he greeted calmly as if Dean hadn't caught him about to slit his own throat. 

"Hello, Dean, "Dean repeated shrilly. "Is that all you have to say for yourself? What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm shaving my beard, "Cas explained slowly as if talking to a child.

"Shaving your-?" Sure enough, now that Dean's heart rate had slowed down he noticed that Cas's face was in fact half shaved. 

How awkward.

"Dean?"

"Yes?" Dean swallowed, face heating slightly. 

"Did you think I was possessed?" Cas face was inscrutable but his voice was slightly amused. 

Dean shook his head vehemently.

Cas kept staring at him for a while longer, long enough for Dean to start shifting on his feet.

"May I continue?"

"What?"

Cas looked down at Dean's hands. Dean followed his gaze, seeing the angelic weapon he'd snatched from the former angel. 

"Oh, right, "Dean muttered. "No." Cas blinked in surprise. 

"No, " Dean repeated, voice growing stronger. "No can do. Not with this. You'll ruin it." Dean twirled the blade in his hands, admiring it. He placed it on one of the shelves in the bathroom. 

"An angel blade is indestructible-"

"I'll show you how to shave properly, "Dean continued, ignoring Cas. "Just let me grab some stuff."

He bent down and started opening cupboards, rummaging through them. He quickly grabbed a razor and some shaving cream. Getting back up and turning around, he almost had another heart attack. 

At some point, Castiel had tiptoed behind him, probably to sneak a look over his shoulder. Cas was now staring intently at him. When he saw the items Dean were holding he tilted his head to the side. Then understanding dawned in his eyes. 

Dean smiled at him. 

Cas held out his hands for the items, but Dean shook his head, backing away.

"Let me help you." The smile faded away, replaced by guilt. "Sam and I should have been helping you with all of this. Because of me, you were all alone. I should never have agreed to Gadreel's demand."

"You did what you had to, for Sam, "Cas said, placing a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder. "I was...upset when you asked me to leave the bunker, but even then I understood your reasons. I understand them even better now, that I know the real reason why I had to leave. Sam is important to me too."

In that moment Dean felt nothing but gratitude and affection for his friend. He silently promised himself that though he'd been absent at the beginning of Castiel's struggles, he would make sure to be there for him from now on. Together with Sam, they would teach Cas all about being human, both the good and the bad stuff.

The thought of his brother soured his mood again. 

"Sam will forgive you, "Cas added calmly. It seemed that even as a human, Cas had the uncanny ability to see right through him. "He just needs some time. What happened with Gadreel and the part you played in it. It'll take some time but he'll get there." 

"You really think so?" Dean probably sounded slightly desperate, but since it was Cas he was talking to, it didn't really matter. Cas had already seen him at his worst in Hell. Surely this mess was nothing compared to that. 

Cas nodded. 

"I just wanted to save him. And now, it's like....It's almost like he's disappointed to still be alive."

"Sam's been through a lot in his relatively short life, "Cas said seriously. "Maybe he was just ready for some peace. Guilt can be a heavy burden to bear. I can certainly understand that." 

Dean sighed. 

"This is so fucked up. My brother is mad at me for saving his life."

"It's more than that Dean," Cas said patiently. "Sam's been possessed by Lucifer. That is no small matter, even for a true vessel. Being possessed is a very traumatic violation, you know that. You're a hunter. You've seen what possession does to people."

"I know, but this is different." Dean knew that he was repeating himself, but he needed to explain his actions. Sam and Cas just didn't understand. 

Cas gave him a disappointed look and Dean deflated. 

"I know Cas, I know. I screwed up." Dean massaged his temples. "At least we're all together on Christmas Eve."

"It's Christmas Eve?" Cas sounded surprised. 

"You didn't know that?" Cas shook his head. "Seriously?"

"I've been a bit busy trying to figure out being human and simultaneously running from angels. Dates did not seem that important." Cas sounded defensive. Dean could have kicked himself. Way to rile up the only person he was on friendly terms with right now. He hastened to reassure his friend. 

"It's ok. Sam and I don't really bother with Christmas. We've never really properly celebrated Christmas anyway, even as kids. Christmas was mostly cheap motel rooms and microwave food, so just like any other day in the year."

"Your father-?"

"He was rarely there, and even when he was it didn't change things. He was always busy planning the next hunt."

"I see." 

Cas was silent for a moment, apparently deeply in thought. Dean took the opportunity to glance at himself in the mirror. His own beard also needed a trim. Maybe he could demonstrate on himself and show Cas the ropes. Then Cas could follow his example and shave his own beard.

Suddenly something caught his eye. Was that a gray hair?

He moved closer to the mirror.

Damn. It was a gray hair. He was going gray. He wasn't even that old yet. Living through multiple Apocalypses had obviously started taking its toll. 

He needed to hide this from Sam. Otherwise, he'd never hear the end of it. Then again, this might be just what they needed to break the ice between them. 

"Dean?"

Dean hastily stepped back from the mirror, feeling embarrassed. 

Cas was watching him curiously.

"Right. Let's do this." Dean placed the items on the sink. Then he rolled up the sleeves on his shirt. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Cas copying his movements. He grinned, but it quickly turned into a worried frown when Cas shirt rode up, revealing scars. 

As if sensing his stare, Cas met his gaze. 

"It's alright, Dean, "Cas said calmly. "They're healing. A bit slower than I'm used to, but, I believe, well within the normal speed for humans."

Dean suddenly remembered what Cas had told them earlier when they'd first met up That he'd been captured by angels. Dean was filled with anger. 

"Angels did this to you?"

"Yes, most of it."

"Most of it?"

"I'm fine, Dean. I promise."

Dean decided to drop it for now, but he vowed to bring it up again in the future. He wanted to know the names of the angels that had hurt his friend. If they were still walking around then he might need to rectify that. Maybe he could make an example of them. 

Maybe then the other angels would leave Cas alone. 

"Okay, Cas. Here's what we're gonna do, "Dean exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I'll shave first. You watch. Then you'll shave, while I watch and offer advice. That sound good to you?"

When Cas nodded eagerly, Dean proceeded to teach him. 

 

Cas had thought, after sleeping in a warm, soft bed and getting a proper breakfast, that nothing could make him feel better. Stroking his smooth, shaven face, he realized that he'd been wrong. As an angel, the beard had been just one insignificant part of his vessel. Hardly noticeable by a warrior of God. Now that he was human, the beard was unbearably itchy and dirty. Getting rid of the thing made him feel much better.

Dean had then proclaimed that they should watch some television until lunch. After some minor bickering, mostly on Dean's side, they'd settled for a rerun of some show that Cas couldn't even remember the name of. 

He could only sit and listen to Dean, who was trying to explain the confusing plot, and nod when it seemed appropriate. It was highly enjoyable.

Being human wasn't so bad now that Dean and Sam were there to help him. 

There was no doubt in Cas mind that the brothers would settle their differences. They always had in the past. He just hoped that they would work things out in time for Christmas. Cas could think of no better Christmas gift than that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Castiel talk about Christmas, family and beards.

A couple of hours later Sam decided that it was time to resurface. Well, to be honest, his grumbling stomach made the decision, the rest of him just followed it's lead. The rest of him would have prefered to stay in his room for a while longer. Maybe forever. 

Come on Sam, he urged himself. Just be quick. Grab an apple or something from the kitchen, then sneak back before anyone notices. What were the odds that Dean and Cas would be hanging out in the kitchen anyway? 

Actually, knowing his brother, they were pretty high. 

Having finally mustered enough courage to leave his bedroom and venture into the hallway, Sam started walking towards the kitchen. He stopped to listen at the end of the hallway. Straining his ears, he could hear noises coming from the living room. They must be watching television. 

Good. He could work around that. 

Sam quietly walked towards the sound. He carefully peeked into the living room. Cas was sitting alone in front of the television, feet propped up on the coffee table. Judging by the music and decor on screen, he seemed to be watching some kind of Christmas movie. Sam was pleased to see that his friend seemed to be settling in nicely in the bunker. He belonged here, with him and Dean.

Speaking of Dean, where was his brother?

Sam was just about to continue on towards the kitchen when Cas turned around and noticed him. Sam froze. For a moment they just stared at each other. Sam suddenly became aware of how silly he must look, sneaking around in his own home, like some kind of burglar. He half expected Cas to yell for Dean. 

Instead, Cas meaningfully lowered his gaze to the armchair next to the sofa and then he lifted it back to Sam. Accepting the invitation, Sam sat down. He carefully gazed around the room, still expecting Dean to jump out from behind the couch. 

"He's not here, "Cas said as if reading his mind. Sam jumped a bit. Cas looked at him knowingly. 

Sam felt himself relax.

"Where is he?"

"He went to get food. I offered to go with him but he told me to stay here and enjoy the movie." It was then Sam noticed Jim Carrey parading around on the screen all covered in green make-up. 

"What a strange movie this is, "Cas mused. "It's obviously a Christmas themed movie, but I don't understand what a grumpy, green creature has to do with the birth of Christ?"

"Christmas really holds a lot of different meaning for a lot of different people, "Sam explained. "For some people, it's a religious holiday. For others, it's more about family and gifts."

"I see." Cas nodded. "I suppose it's not that important anyway. The son of God wasn't even born in the winter, so the whole holiday is wrong anyway." 

Sam felt a sudden jolt of excitement. He sat up straighter, giving Cas his full attention.

"You knew him?"

"Yes. All the angels did. We were all following him closely during his time on earth."

Even though Sam logically knew that Cas had been around for a very long time, he'd never thought about all the things the angel must have seen. 

"What was he like?" 

"Wise. Kind. Generous. All the things the Bible describe him as. Nothing like some of the more radical Christians describes him as." 

Sam contemplated this for a moment, feeling unreasonably happy about that piece of information. That was when he noticed something different about Castiel. His face was once again beard-free.

"Nice to see your whole face again," Sam commented. Cas tilted his head to the side. "I'm talking about the lack of beard. It's nice. You look more like your old self."

"Yes," Cas admitted slowly, stroking his smooth face. "I feel more like myself as well. And my face no longer itches."

"Yeah," Sam laughed. "Facial hair will do that to you sometimes."

Cas nodded. 

"Dean helped me. He showed me the correct procedure of shaving. I had no idea it was that complicated. There are creams involved Sam."

"I know," Sam smiled. "I do grow beards myself."

"Of course,"Cas nodded, flushing. "I know that." He sighed. "There's so much for me to learn yet."

"Fathers traditionally teach their sons how to shave, when they're old enough. You missed out on that important step, having never been a child."

"Did your father teach you?"

"No," Sam said, shaking his head. "Dad taught Dean how to shave, but not me. Dean taught me all the important stuff, including how to shave."

"Well, that's something we have in common then."

Sam chuckled shortly, sinking even more comfortably into the armchair. For a moment there was only comfortable silence.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"You said Christmas is a time for family."

"Yes."

"It's almost Christmas now."

"I've noticed, "Sam commented, smiling. 

"Perhaps you should try and forgive your brother, Sam. Whatever he's done, he's still your family. It is after all Christmas, "Cas implored.

Sam felt a flash of annoyance. The relaxing atmosphere of earlier was swept aside as Sam went on the defensive.

"You mean like he's forgiven me. He tends to tell me we're putting things behind us only to later throw my mistakes in my face. At the church, before the last trial, he was very quick to list all my screw-ups. I think he has an actual list somewhere. Sam Winchesters greatest hits."

"Sam-"

"No, Cas, "Sam interrupted. "Please just listen. I love him. He's my brother. But I'm always the one who has to forgive him. I get no forgiveness back. I don't know how to get through to him. He won't listen to me."

"Dean's a good man."

"Why am I even bothering. He's the righteous man. I'm just his brother, the abomination, the boy with the demon blood."

Watching Cas fall silent and take a step back made Sam feel a moment of satisfaction. It was quickly replaced by remorse. It wasn't Cas he was upset with. He opened his mouth to apologize but Cas beat him to it. 

"I'm sorry, Sam. I let Heaven's influence cloud my judgment for far too long when it came to you. I never properly apologized for how I treated you when we first met."

If possible, Sam felt even worse.

"Cas. That's ancient history. It's fine. I should never have brought it up. That was totally uncalled for."

"Nonetheless, I apologize."

Cas looked so earnestly sorry that Sam didn't have the heart to dismiss his apology as unnecessary. Instead, he nodded and clapped Cas on the knee. Cas gave him a relieved smile. 

They fell into another comfortable silence. On screen Jim Carrey, as the Grinch Sam now realized, was impersonating Santa Claus. Despite his disguise, he appeared to be stealing gifts, rather than giving them. Sam noticed that Cas was observing the screen with a tilted head. 

When he turned to face Sam, Sam braced himself for more Christmas related questions. Cas next sentence took him by surprise. 

"I know what it feels like when your brother wants to kill you."

Sam just blinked, not really knowing what to say to that.

"Granted, your brother never really did want to kill you. It was just a trick, but you believed it to be true so it still counts. Also in my case its brothers in plural."

"Oh, Cas-"

"My brothers and sisters hate me. They are hunting me even as we speak. Most of them want me dead." Cas sighed, sounding very tired. "And I can't even blame them for it. It's my fault they were thrown out of Heaven."

"Cas, stop. What happened wasn't your fault. Metatron tricked you."

Cas suddenly got up, agitated. He lifted his shirt. Sam drew in a sharp breath. Cas stomach was littered in many scars, all in various stages of healing. When Cas turned around, Sam noted that his back was in a similar state. 

"What happened?" Sam was horrified. Cas started to pull down his jumper, looking a bit self-conscious, but Sam stopped him. He quickly eyed the scars, looking for signs of infection, but they seemed to be healing well. Sam knew they had some ointment that would help the wounds heal faster. 

"My brothers."

"What?" Sam asked, distracted. 

"My brothers did this to me. And my sisters." Cas voice was calm but his eyes were anguished. "They would have done much worse if I hadn't escaped."

Sam froze. He struggled for something to say. Cas took advantage of the situation and pulled his shirt back down. He took a step back, putting some space between them. The action was so unlike Cas that it snapped Sam into action. 

"I'm sorry, "he finally said. It seemed insufficient.

Cas shook his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Sam." 

"Yes, I do. If I hadn't have been dying, Dean never would have made a deal with Gadreel and you would have been more than welcome to stay here at the bunker."

"And If I had gone with Dean to the church, the angels would all still be in Heaven."

Sam was silent.

"We're not all that different Sam. We've both made horrible mistakes. We've both been led astray and tricked by people with bad intentions. Naomi messed with my head for centuries, maybe even longer, molding me into her definition of a "good" angel, taking away my free will."

Sam opened his mouth to ask more about Naomi, but before he could, Cas continued. 

"The big difference between us is our families, mainly our brothers. Your brother would do anything to save you. Mine wouldn't lift a finger to help me. In fact, most of them would love to see me dead. They hate me. Please don't let this ruin your relationship with your brother."

"Kevin didn't deserve to die, "Sam said quietly. 

"Neither did you Sam."

Sam sighed. 

"I don't know if I can trust him."

"Trust can be rebuilt, given time."

"And what if he never forgives me? What if he never trusts me? I'm tired of feeling like shit."

"Dean loves you more than anything in this world. You two need to have a serious talk but you will work things out. I know you will. Maybe now that he's made his own mistakes he'll have more understanding of yours." Cas reached over and grabbed hold of Sam's arm. "What he did was wrong. I can't deny that. But you and I have had opportunities to make things right. Doesn't Dean deserve the same chance?"

Sam contemplated this for a moment, feeling torn. Then he nodded in resignation. Cas smiled. 

On screen, the end credits were rolling.

They both got up and headed towards the kitchen. 

"Cas?" 

"Yes, Sam?" Cas turned around and lifted an eyebrow.

"You're wrong about your family. They don't hate you."

"The angels-?" Cas frowned. 

"They are not your family, Dean and I are. And we would save you, no matter what you've done."

Cas blinked in surprise, speechless.

"Whatever happens between me and Dean, whether we can work things out or not, that won't change. You're basically a Winchester, okay?" It was suddenly very important to Sam that Cas not only understood that but believed it as well. 

Just when he thought that Cas wasn't gonna answer, the former angel nodded and hugged him. 

Even though Sam was taken by surprise by the gesture, his arms automatically encircled his friend. 

"Thank you, Sam, "Cas muttered into Sam's shoulder.

"No, Cas. Thank you, "Sam answered, smiling.

Maybe things weren't so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So chapter 8 is finally done. I've got some schoolwork on at the moment, so the next chapter might take some time, but I'll try to update within 2 weeks. (less if I have time)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean have another talk. 
> 
> Cas finds something that used to belong to the men of letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some dark themes. Sam and Dean talk about Lucifer and the cage, and some of the similarities between possession and rape. Just giving you a heads up in case that's too heavy for you to read about. It's a bit fleeting, but it's there.

Dean was quietly humming to himself, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. The radio was silent. He was enjoying the soothing purr of the Impala. The noise had been a comfort to him ever since childhood. The Impala had always been more than just a car. It was a home. It was their home.

A part of him had hoped that bringing Cas home to the bunker would mellow Sam's anger. Sam had, after all, been furious when he'd found out why Cas had left the bunker. Things were still difficult between him and Sam, but now that Cas was safe, he could focus all his energy on his brother. He could see now that their issues weren't just about what happened with Gadreel. This went a lot further than that. 

Things still weren't right at the bunker. Maybe they never had been and he just hadn't noticed? 

Going for food had been a welcome distraction. Driving had always had a relaxing effect on Dean. It gave him time to think about everything that had happened, not just recently but in the last few years. 

He would never, could never, regret having saved Sam. 

As horrible as it sounded, even Kevin´s death couldn't make him regret his actions. Knowing that his brother's heart was still beating in his chest meant everything to him. It was worth everything, even Sam's anger. There had never been anything he wouldn't do for his brother. He'd even left Adam in the cage, dammit.

Sam was the most important person in his life.

They'd always been close, even as children. But somewhere along the line, their bond had suffered. Somehow Sam had spent years believing that his brother was ready to kill him. Still, he'd stuck around, with a brother who to all intents and purposes seemed ready to put him down at the slightest misstep. Out of the two of them, Sam had always been the one looking for a way out of the hunter's life. Stanford was a great example of that. But this time he'd stayed, for death or forgiveness, Dean suddenly realized. 

He'd gotten neither from Dean. Forgiveness would have been more than earned by now. 

Dean needed to fix this. All of it. And he knew exactly where to start.

 

By the time he got home Dean felt better. After some time spent thinking about the situation he felt more prepared to face Sam. Hell, he'd even bought his brother some of that rabbit food he loved so much. That would soften him up a bit, which in turn would make it easier for them to talk. Dean was not above bribery. 

He had a plan. First, he'd set things up in the kitchen. This part of the plan included the salad. Then he would recruit Cas. He would send Castiel over to Sam's room with an invitation for dinner. Sam would not turn him down. After all, he had no reason to be angry at Cas. It was also very difficult to say no to Cas, especially now that he was so thin and pale.

Yes, Dean thought excitedly. Everything was going to work out just fine. He would calmly explain everything to Sam. He would make him understand why he did what he did. Then they would talk about the fake voicemail. They would hug, in a manly way of course. If all went according to plan then things between him and his brother would soon be good again. 

Yes, Dean felt quite confident.

However, when he entered the kitchen his confidence wavered. The two other occupants of the bunker were already waiting there for him. 

He'd expected to have to chase his brother down. Instead, his brother had come to him. And by the look of it, he was just as ready for this talk as Dean, if not even more so. 

 

Dinner was a quiet affair. Sam politely thanked him for the salad. Then he quietly tucked into his meal. Dean had half-expected him to retire to his room, but to his great relief, Sam stayed in the kitchen. 

Dean counted that as a win. 

Cas had become so overwhelmed by the presence of warm food in abundance that he'd forgotten all about his plate and utensils. Grabbing a big slice of pizza, he wolfed it down so quickly even Dean felt impressed. 

Dean approved. 

Cas had lost a lot of weight since becoming human and Dean knew that he was partly to blame for that. It wasn't Castiel's fault that he'd ended up homeless, after all. He needed to gain at least some of that weight back. The half-starved look really didn't fit him. Not to mention how guilty Dean felt every time he saw how thin his friend had become. 

Besides, why were the utensils even there?Who eats pizza with a fork and knife. This had Sam written all over it. Dean glanced over at Sam, but his brother kept his eyes firmly on the salad. 

Dean sighed. 

They would talk after food then. 

 

Soon enough all the pizza slices were gone. Cas seemed to have enjoyed his meal. He was leaning back in his chair, holding his stomach. He was smiling contently.

Dean was pleased to note that Sam's plate was empty as well, the salad seemingly appreciated. Of course, it would have been better if he'd eaten some proper food, not that green, healthy stuff. 

Dinner was over. Now was the time to talk. 

Dean opened his mouth to speak, but Sam beat him to it.

"We need to talk."

"You breaking up with me, Sammy?" Dean tried to sound flippant but truth be told, he was nervous. The moment the words left his mouth he wanted to kick himself. Antagonizing his brother would not help.

Sam threw him a nasty look. Dean could not blame him for that.

"Shut up and listen." 

Dean blinked in surprise but did as told. Cas got up.

"I'll leave you two to talk, "he said. He clapped Sam on the shoulder and as he passed Dean he gave him an encouraging smile. 

Dean was suddenly too nervous to return it. 

Once Cas left, the kitchen sunk into a stifling silence. Dean met Sam's steely gaze.

"There are things I need to know, "Sam said, finally breaking the silence.

"Of course. Ask me anything." 

"I killed Kevin. Did I....hurt anyone else?"

"Gadreel killed Kevin, not-"

"Just answer me." 

"I...I don't think so. He killed demons."

"So probably their vessels as well. Who else?"

"Sam-, "Dean started. Sam stopped him with a look.

"Who else, Dean? It's a simple question. How much blood do I have on my hands?"

"I don't know, Sam, I swear." Dean no longer bothered to hide his desperation. This discussion wasn't going like he'd planned. Sam was taking charge and Dean had no choice but to follow. 

If this was what it would take for them to be able to leave this mess behind them, then Dean would deliver. 

"Did he use me for anything else?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You know what I mean, Dean. Don't make me say it, "Sam said awkwardly, avoiding his brother's gaze. 

"I really don't understand what you mean." Dean was mystified. 

Sam sighed, looking deeply uncomfortable. Then he seemed to steel himself. He looked right into Dean's eye's as if searching for signs of deceit. 

"He was in me for weeks. Did he hook up with anyone during that time? Did he use my body for sex? Do I need to be worried about STD's?" 

Sam's voice was slow and calm, but his eyes betrayed him. He was really worried about this.

It took Dean embarrassingly long to formulate an answer. He was too shocked by the implication. When Sam's eyes filled with fear and anger Dean hastened to reassure him.

"What? No. I would never have let him-" 

"Can I trust you when you say that?"

"Yes, you can. What exactly are you accusing me of?" Dean was yelling now, angry over what his brother was insinuating. 

"You already let someone into me without my consent. How can I know what kind of lines you might be willing to cross to save me? You've already proved that my consent means nothing to you and the same can be said for Gadreel."

"That is not the same thing as.....that. How can you even compare the two." Dean could not believe what he was hearing. Where was all this coming from? 

"If you really think that, then you're even more stupid than I thought. They are pretty much the same. I would know."

"What do you mean?"

Sam went quiet for a while. He started to look like he was regretting the whole talk. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

"Sam? Are you-" Dean looked at him intently.

"No." Sam interrupted. "Let's do this." Dean suddenly realized Sam was pushing his thumb into the palm of his hand, right where the scar used to be. 

Dean felt a chill of fear. How long had his brother been doing that?

"Sammy, are you okay?" 

"I spent hundreds of years trapped in a cage, with the devil himself. You really think sexual abuse wasn't a regular part of the repertoire?"

The kitchen suddenly seemed to run out of air. 

Dean could barely hear anything over the sound of his heart beating. He felt like he was floating outside of his own body. The whole moment was surreal. 

This was some kind of nightmare. It had to be. 

"Dean?" Dean slowly lifted his gaze to meet Sam's. "Are you okay?" 

Dean nodded. Then he suddenly burst into hysterical laughter. 

Sam looked worried. 

Dean stopped laughing abruptly. 

There was more silence in the kitchen.

"Dean?" Sam tried to catch his attention. Dean swiftly pulled himself together. 

"Yeah?" His voice was hoarse.

"Did you.....Do you understand what I'm telling you?" 

"Yes, "Dean nodded meekly. "You're telling me that Lucifer....That you....That he-."

"Raped me?"

Dean flinched. Then he nodded again. 

"Yes." 

Dean nodded a third time, not trusting his voice.

Oh, God. Oh fuck. Never in his wildest nightmares had Dean pictured this. 

Lucifer was one sick son of a bitch. 

Dean was suddenly angry. No, not angry. He was furious. 

Seeing Sam's weary and pale face made all the anger leave him. All that was left behind was tiredness. He was so tired. So tired of the world fucking them over. 

He briefly wondered if this was how Sam felt at that church.

He could still remember a chubby cheeked little Sammy full of love for life, all innocent and happiness, before hunting and demons and angels. 

Dean found it hard to reconcile that little boy with the tired and thin man sitting in front of him, 

Yet he loved him all the same. And there was nothing in the whole world that could make him stop loving his brother. 

"I'm sorry, "Dean murmured.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry, Sammy." Dean wanted to comfort his brother, but he held himself back. Considering what he'd just found out, the gesture might not be appreciated. 

"Lucifer is.....When I jumped into the cage I knew it was going to be bad. I just didn't know how bad." Sam sounded defeated.

To Hell with it. 

Dean reached over and grabbed his brother's hand. 

"Sammy, "Dean pleaded. "I would never have let Gadreel do anything like that. This was nothing like what happened with Lucifer."

Sam pulled his hand out of his brother's, suddenly looking both upset and annoyed.

Dean's breath caught in his throat. 

No. Just when they were starting to make progress. 

"Have you not listened to anything I've told you. I told you about Lucifer so that you would understand why what you did to me was so wrong, not so that you could use it against me."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Well, you should be."

"I'm sorry about Gadreel."

Sam looked surprised. A hopeful look crossed his face.

"I'm sorry about Gadreel, "Dean repeated. The admission made him feel lighter. "I panicked. You were dying and there was no one around to help me save you. I was so scared," Even now, thinking about the Hospital made Dean feel sick. "What would you have done in my place?"

"I don't know, "Sam sighed. "But not this."

"It was the only way to save you. Gadreel tried to heal you the old-fashioned way first, I swear, but it didn't work. You were too hurt. And I knew you would never have agreed to be possessed by an angel. I had to lie to you." 

"The fact that you felt you had to lie to me should have told you that you were in the wrong."

Dean scoffed tiredly. 

"Would you have agreed if I'd asked?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I honestly don't know, " Sam answered. "But I do know that I stopped the trials for you. I wanted to be here, with you."

"Maybe I should have trusted you. I guess...I guess I was too scared. The stakes were so high. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. And now you're still here, alive, but you no longer trust me."

I lost you anyway, Dean thought, sadly.

"You didn't trust me at the Hospital, or during the trials or the Apocalypse. Face it, Dean. The trust between us has been broken for a long time and every time we try to rebuild it there are more lies."

Dean winced in agreement.

The voicemail. He hated that Sam had ever believed him capable of something like that but a part of him could understand it. Things had gotten really bad between them during the Apocalypse. 

"Sometimes I...I feel like a stranger in my own body. I've had more people in me than...I don't always know who I am, you know?" 

Dean felt alarmed. 

"You're you, Sammy. No one can ever take that away from you, "Dean hastened to reassure his brother. Sam snorted bitterly. 

"Yeah. Except for demons, angels and even you."

Dean opened his mouth to defend himself but how could he? It was true. He'd screwed up big time. 

"I want to fix this, "he finally said. His brother had always appreciated honesty. "I want you to trust me again."

"It will take time."

"Then we'll make time. This is important. Family is important."

"What about you? Can you trust me? Can you forgive me for my mistakes? I know I've made horrible mistakes but-"

"I'll try, Sam. I'll try."

Sam scrutinized him for a while as if searching for signs of dishonesty. Dean met his gaze head on.

Whatever his brother was looking for he must have found it, because his posture relaxed. 

"Okay, "Sam nodded. "Okay."

Dean let out a relieved breath. He was not gonna screw this up. Looking at his brother, he knew the sentiment was shared. As long as they both committed to this, it was possible.

"But-"

Dean froze.

"But what?" 

"If you ever do something like this again we're done. I'll walk away and you'll never see me again, "Sam said seriously.

Dean's breath caught in his throat. 

"I mean it, Dean. If I'd stood up for myself earlier about the voicemail, then I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. The issue would have been laid to rest years ago. I'm not going to make the same mistake again."

Dean could only nod.

"I won't be a doormat, "Sam added. "You need to respect my boundaries. You might not understand what a big deal possession is, but you need to respect me."

Dean nodded again, eagerly. 

For a moment the brothers just stared at each other. Then a careful smile spread across Sam's face. Dean answered in kind. 

"Let's go find Cas, "Dean said. "I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that we're on talking terms again." 

 

They found the former angel standing in the middle of the living room. 

"Hey, Cas, "Dean said happily. "You'll be happy to hear that Sam and I are no longer at war with each other."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"That's great, "Cas commented.

Dean quickly realized that there was something wrong. Cas's face was tense and he was holding himself stiffly.

"What's wrong?" Apparently, Sam had noticed the same thing.

"Nothing, "Cas answered quickly. Too quickly. 

Sam and Dean shared a suspicious look. Cas shifted on his feet. He carefully kept his right hand behind his back.

"What's that?" 

"What do you mean?" Cas sounded shifty. Dean tried to catch his eye, but Cas avoided him.

"That thing you're hiding behind your back, "Dean clarified patiently. 

"Oh, that, "Cas said. "It's nothing important." Dean waited for a clearer explanation, but when none came he exchanged a worried look with Sam. 

"Cas?" 

Cas squirmed for a while before giving in.

"I found something that used to belong to the men of letters, in one of the storage rooms, "Cas explained nervously. "I'm just gonna keep it in my room. You won't even know it's there."

If Dean was worried before, now he was downright alarmed. 

Sam moved restlessly at his side. 

"Cas, you really shouldn't touch anything in there without checking with us first. Some of the items might be cursed, "Sam said.

"But-?"

"Dammit, Cas, "Dean cursed. Worry had always made him short tempered and this was no exception. "Just show me." 

Cas glared at Dean but obeyed. He brought forth his hand to reveal a small Christmas ornament. 

A small Santa Clause to be more precise.

There was a shocked silence.

It was soon broken when Sam burst into laughter. He tried to disguise it as a cough. 

Cas tilted his head to the side. 

"Sam? Are you alright?" Cas sounded concerned. Sam nodded, shoulders still shaking. Cas turned a questioning gaze to Dean.

Dean sighed tiredly. He could feel a headache coming on.

"Why were you hiding Santa behind your back?"

"You don't like Christmas, "Cas explained. 

Sam pulled himself together.

"Yeah. It's never really been our thing."

"I was just gonna keep this one decorative piece in my room, I promise."

"Cas, it's okay, "Sam said. "It's your room. You can decorate it however you choose to. You don't have to sneak around."

"Just don't leave any of that Christmas crap lying around the rest of the bunker, "Dean added. 

Cas nodded eagerly, clutching Santa close to his chest with an innocence that made something hurt in Dean's chest. 

"Cas?" Sam sounded thoughtful. "Would you show me where you found this?"

Cas face brightened.

"Of course, Sam. Follow me."

The two of them took off. Dean followed curiously.

 

Cas led them past the library and down into the basement, to one of the more remote storage rooms. 

Dean had expected a couple of ornaments and maybe some Christmas lights. After all, the men of letters were a professional and serious organization. How many Christmas decorations could they have owned?

The answer was many, apparently.

The shelves were filled with ornaments in different shapes and sizes. There were boxes filled with Christmas decorations and lights. 

Christmas must have been a pretty big deal for them.

"Whoah, "Sam exclaimed. Cas smiled. 

"Whoah indeed, "Dean added. If possible Castiel's smile got even wider. 

"We need to put this room on permanent lockdown, "Dean whispered dramatically. "In case this Christmas obsession is contagious."

"Dean, "Sam said disapprovingly when Cas shot him an alarmed look. "Don't listen to him, Cas. Take as many decorations as you want."

Cas looked happy. It was a good look on him.

"In fact, I think I'll grab some for myself, "Sam continued. "And we could put some in the living room." 

Dean snorted.

"Yeah, sure, "Dean said sarcastically." Let's turn the bunker into our own personal winter wonderland. Perfect."

Sam and Cas shared a smile.

Then they started choosing decorations at an alarming speed.

Dean sighed. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. At least things were looking up between him and Sam. 

As if sensing his thoughts, Sam turned to give him a smile. 

Dean couldn't help but return it. After the heavy stuff earlier, maybe this was exactly what they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the late update. Schoolwork and tests got in the way of writing. I was hoping to update earlier but something always seemed to get in the way.
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and comments. They are, as always, very appreciated=)
> 
> Also, this is the longest chapter I've ever written. I'm very proud of myself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team free will decides to make their first Christmas in the bunker a proper one. They get gifts, food, and even a Christmas tree.
> 
> But Christmas day begins less than ideally when the past comes back to haunt Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I don't really know what to say. This chapter was hard to write, for reasons even I don't understand. I just kept getting stuck. I'm still not sure about it. I hope it's ....readable=)
> 
> I think there will be only one chapter after this, although I suppose I'll know for sure when I start writing. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, thank you for kudos and comments=)

Despite his earlier misgivings, Dean found himself becoming swept up in the Christmas spirit. 

Seeing his brother smile and laugh whenever Cas asked him to explain the purpose of the various decorations was a contagious type of joy. The innocently inquisitive yet serious look on Castiel's face was so genuine as he interrogated Sam that Dean found himself starting to enjoy their little bunker-Christmas.

Dean could tell that Cas was taking serious note of all the answers and explanations.

The living room was filled with decorations that Sam and Cas had recovered from the storage room. Dean had not participated in said rescue mission. Instead, he'd taken it upon himself to argue against their most over the top ideas. He was a proper little Grinch and proud of it too. 

"Look what I've found." Sam's voice was lighter than Dean had heard it in years. The heavy mood from earlier was swept away, as if by magic. 

Dean snorted to himself. Yeah, Christmas magic. He was worse than Sam and Cas combined.

They turned to face Sam, who was holding a medium-sized box. He revealed the content. It was a stand.

Cas eyed it curiously.

"What's that?" Cas might not have known what he was looking at, but his normally calm voice was excited nonetheless.

"It's a stand, for Christmas trees, "Sam elaborated.

"But we don't have a Christmas tree." 

"I've noticed that Cas, "Sam said amused. "I just wanted to show it to you."

"I see, "Cas said gravely. He regarded the stand intently, head tilted to the side. He held out his hand. Sam handed him the object. Cas then proceeded to examine it thoroughly, from every angle. He scrutinized it with the same kind of intensity as he did everything.

Dean and Sam shared an amused glance. 

God, how Dean had missed this, the easy comradery between him and his brother. Things between them were far from perfect but at least Sam was talking to him. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

And Cas was with them at the bunker, happy and excited for Christmas. Even Sam was all smiles. Dean couldn't remember when he'd last seen his brother so happy. Maybe this Christmas thing wasn't such a bad idea after all. 

Cas was apparently done examining the tree stand. He returned it to Sam. When Sam made to pack the thing down Dean stopped him. 

"Dean?"

"Enough of this, "Dean said. "We can't celebrate Christmas like this." Dean gestured around the living room. 

"Dean, "Sam said warily. 

"No, "Dean continued thoughtfully. "This won't do at all."

The smile on Sam's face started to drop. Cas looked disappointed. Neither one spoke. Dean decided to put them out of their misery. Now he was just being cruel. 

"If we're going to do this, then let's do it properly. We need a Christmas tree."

The look of shock on their faces was priceless. It quickly morphed into delight. Dean felt a smile spread across his face.

"And food?" Sam's careful suggestion was not unwelcome. Just the thought of a proper Christmas meal was enough to make Dean's mouth water. He nodded happily.

He was suddenly hit by an idea. 

"Let's go to town."

"What?"

"Let's go to town, "Dean repeated. "All of us. Let's get food and gifts, the whole works."

Cas was watching their exchange with a hopeful smile. 

Sam smiled. 

"You sure about this?" 

"Yeah, "Dean affirmed. "Let's make our first Christmas at the bunker memorable."

 

It wasn't much later that all three of them were sat in the Impala, heading towards the closest town. Sam had insisted on bringing his laptop with him. With his brother sat in the seat next to him typing away on his laptop Dean was forcibly reminded of the night they'd found Cas. But instead of the tense and worried atmosphere from the day before, things were now calm and peaceful in the Impala. Sam was googling recipes for Christmas food, not desperately looking for a missing friend.

And Cas himself was sitting in the back seat, instead of huddling on the cold ground in some crappy city that Dean couldn't even remember the name of. God, he'd never get that image out of his head. 

"Ham or Turkey, "Sam asked suddenly, breaking the silence and interrupting his thoughts. Dean gave him a curious look.

"For the Christmas meal, I mean, "Sam elaborated.

"Oh ham, definitely ham. Turkey is for Thanksgiving."

"Right. That narrows it down a bit. There are some very delicious sounding recipes on the internet. I've never done this before, but how hard can it be when you have instructions?"

"Stop worrying about the food, Sammy, "Dean grinned. "I'll take care of that."

"What? You gonna make us a Christmas meal with ham and all the works?" Sam smiled, dimples flashing, without taking his eyes off the laptop. 

"How quickly you forget, Sam. I spent a Christmas with Lisa and Ben." Dean's good humor melted away, replaced by an intense feeling of nostalgia. "Lisa did most of the work, but I learned a trick or two."

Sam closed the laptop, giving his brother his full attention. Dean could almost feel his sympathetic gaze.

"Dean-"

"Hey, Cas, "Dean quickly redirected the conversation with faked cheerfulness. He eyed Cas in the rearview mirror. "What do you want for Christmas?" Sam sighed but didn't persist.

Cas, who was curled up in the backseat and absentmindedly watching the snowy scenery pass by, focused on the brothers. His brow furrowed. 

"Food, "he answered after a while. "Doesn't matter to me what kind."

Dean snorted.

"There's gonna be food, Cas, lots of it, "Sam explained. "A big Christmas meal is part of the deal. We're talking about gifts, as in stuff. Is there anything you want for yourself?"

Fishing for ideas there, Sammy, Dean thought to himself.

"Maybe some clothes. I need some of my own, "Cas answered.

He wasn't wrong there. The jacket Dean had borrowed him was way too big. It was still way better than using Sam's coat, though. Cas had practically drowned in that one. The jeans were also Deans. He'd needed a belt to keep them up. 

"You can have clothes too, Cas, "Dean said. "But not as a Christmas gift. The gift should be something fun, not necessities."

"I don't know, "Cas said slowly. 

Dean sighed, frustrated.

"Don't worry about it, "Sam reassured. He sent Castiel a friendly smile. "We'll get you something great, just you wait and see."

"Well you guys better buy me something awesome, "Dean joked. "I deserve it for all the work I'll be doing in the kitchen."

Sam laughed. 

"We'll see."

"I can't get you anything, "came a timid voice from the backseat. 

Dean glanced back to find Cas fiddling with the seatbelt. 

"What?"

Cas quickly looked up, then back down when he noticed both brothers were observing him. 

"I don't have any money. Sorry."

"Cas, it's okay, "Dean said. "We'll give you money. It's okay." 

"But-"

"No buts, "Dean said sternly. "We'll give you money and then you can go pick something for us, okay?" He made sure to have eye contact with Cas, who nodded, before turning his eyes back on the road. 

"It's the thought that counts, not the money, "Sam added.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Cas sounded curious. 

"Don't know about you guys, but all kidding aside, I already have everything I need right here."

"That's not an answer, Dean, "Cas commented grumpily. 

 

The closest town had a Walmart that was, by some miracle, open. They decided to make it their only stop.

Cas had spent the whole ride through the town with his nose pressed up against the window, admiring the over the top decorations on every lawn. 

Sam had found himself becoming a bit worried. Would the outside of the bunker look like this next year? If so, then their secret location wouldn't be secret anymore. 

Dean would have a fit. 

As promised, the brothers had given Cas some money and then sent him on his way with a stern warning not to leave the store without them. 

Sam and Dean had also split up, to make secret purchases. 

Somewhat unexpectedly, the shopping trip had gone smoothly. The three of them had reunited an hour later, having chosen some gifts for each other. 

Then they had gone shopping for food, together. Dean had taken the lead since he was the one with experience. Both Sam and Cas had weighed in with their opinions. 

Although in all honesty, Cas had no idea what a Christmas meal entailed. Still, they'd let him pick some of the groceries because why the hell not? It was their Christmas, no one else's.

By the time they started heading home, it was starting to get dark. The trunk was full of food and gifts. 

While fiddling with the radio, Sam had come across a channel playing only Christmas music. After a short altercation, wich left Dean sulking and Castiel happily humming along to the tunes, they'd kept listening to that channel. 

 

It was already pretty late once they got back to the bunker. Still, they decided to go and get a tree now, instead of leaving it for tomorrow. Sam was given orders to put away the groceries. Dean went to find an ax. He seemed confident that he'd seen one around somewhere. 

Castiel took the opportunity to smuggle his purchases to his room. 

At the store, Cas had had no idea what to get his friends for Christmas. Initially, he'd panicked. The store had been huge.

He'd walked around aimlessly for a while before stumbling upon an aisle with books. He'd instantly been reminded of Sam, who always seemed to have a book in his lap. More often than not, it was a book on monsters, but still. 

He'd found a couple of books for Sam. One of the employees had recommended them. She'd told him they were bestsellers so he hoped that Sam would like them.

He placed the books on the bed. 

Dean had been both easier and harder to buy for. He'd found a calendar with pictures of old, classic cars. It seemed like the perfect gift for Dean. 

The second gift had been harder to figure out. In the end, he'd decided to buy Dean some magazines with scantily clad ladies of Oriental descent. Hopefully, he'd like them. 

He placed them by Sam's gifts. 

There was a knock on his door.

"Cas?" It was Dean. 

Castiel quickly threw a shirt over the gifts before opening the door. Dean was holding an ax. He was smiling. There seemed to be an almost maniacal glint in his eyes. Cas was slightly alarmed. Dean raised the ax.

"Time to find the perfect Christmas tree."

 

Since it was getting kind of dark, they hastily chose a tree close to the bunker. Sam and Dean chopped it down, while Cas held the flashlight. Getting the tree inside had proven to be harder than they had expected. But in the end, the steep stairs had proven to be no match for the team that took down the devil himself. 

Soon they had their very own Christmas tree in the middle of their living room. 

They shared a quick beer before decorating the tree.

They'd gotten some lights, for the tree, at the store. The secret storage room had contained both tinsel and baubles to spare, so they had everything they needed to decorate a Christmas tree.

It had been a surprisingly fun endeavor. Sure, the lights had been frustrating to get somewhat evenly placed and the baubles had kept falling off, but in the end, it had all been worth it.

Cas especially had been happy to place an angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

Once they'd finished decorating the tree, Dean helped Cas choose a Christmas themed movie for them to watch. Sam had taken one sad look at the trail of pine needles leading from the door to the tree, before getting the vacuum cleaner. 

The rest of the evening was spent educating Cas on Christmas traditions and watching Christmas movies. Later Cas fell asleep on the couch. He had to be woken up and escorted to his bedroom, where he barely had the energy to change out of his clothes before crashing. 

 

Cas made his way to the library. 

Sam was sitting at the table, reading. He looked up with a huge smile when Cas entered. He got up and held out his arms for a hug.

"Merry-" Sam's greeting was cut short when Castiel smoothly slid his angel blade through layers of clothing and straight into his heart. Sam's eyes widened in surprise and pain.

Cas took a step back, pulling the blade with him. Sam staggered on his feet. He gave Cas a pained, betrayed look. Then his eyes went empty and he slid bonelessly to the floor. 

Cas silently admired his handiwork. 

Somewhere far away in his subconsciousness, he was screaming at the wrongness of his actions. Movement to his left caught his attention. It was a woman, wearing a gray suit. 

"Well done Castiel." Naomi smiled coldly. Cas felt a thrill of fear. 

"What the hell?" A shocked voice yelled from behind him. 

Castiel turned around.

Dean stood by the door. He was staring at Sam with a look of horror. He sprinted past the former angel, falling to his knees next to his brother. 

Shaky hands felt for a pulse. There was a moment of silence. Then Dean gave a pained cry.

"No, "he yelled. "No. No. Sammy, wake up, please." 

There was no answer, no movement from the younger Winchester. Dean bowed his head in grief. Castiel looked at the angel blade in his hand, still dripping with blood. 

"Finish it, Castiel, "Naomi suddenly ordered. 

Cas took a step forward. Every bone in his body screamed at him to stop. But there was no fighting Naomi's control. His body would not obey him. He could only watch, and feel and pray that Dean would turn around and see him coming. It seemed like his prayers were answered when Dean looked up, but he only exposed his throat in a gesture of surrender. Cas wanted to scream at the dead look in his eyes.

Dean didn't make a sound when Castiel slit his throat. 

 

Cas awoke with a start, his body drenched in sweat. He was disoriented. It took him a while to remember where he was. He wasn't in Heaven, being brainwashed. He wasn't huddled up somewhere in the cold. He was in the bunker, in his very own bedroom. Dean and Sam were alive, sleeping safely in their beds. 

Naomi was dead.

He was safe.

He sunk back onto the bed, relieved beyond measure. The bedroom was dark. The bed and blankets were wet with sweat. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his racing heart. Last night had been peaceful, and he'd dared to hope that the nightmares that had plagued him while he was homeless wouldn't have followed him here. 

Unfortunately, he'd been wrong.

Together with hunger and cold, nightmares were his least favorite thing about being human. He couldn't get used to them. They always seemed so real when they were happening. He could never tell when he was dreaming and that terrified him. 

How did humans do it?

How did they deal with the fear?

Maybe Sam and Dean could help him? As an angel, he'd watched over them while they slept. They suffered from regular nightmares. There was a time when he'd been able to chase away their dreams with a simple touch. Now he couldn't even handle his own. He should ask them how to deal with nightmares. 

Later, of course. No need to wake anyone up in the middle of the night. Not for this.

Cas sighed, getting up.

He never could go back to sleep after a nightmare like this. He had no idea how long he'd slept, but it would have to be enough. Hopefully, the next night would be more restful. 

He looked at the time. It was 4.30 in the morning. 

Merry Christmas, he thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is very welcome, whether it's a kudos or comment.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas day in the bunker and the day does not start peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the late update. George R.R Martin seems to write faster than me=)
> 
> A big thank you to everyone whose given this fic a kudos or left a comment=)

When Sam woke up, bright and early, it took him a while to remember why he was feeling so excited. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when it hit him. 

It was Christmas morning. 

Usually, waking up on Christmas had felt no different than any other morning. They'd never bothered to celebrate Christmas as children. Their dad had been absent, drunk or hungover, and that tended to put a damper on things. Dean had done his best to give him everything when they were kids, but his brother had been a kid himself. There was only so much he could do. Together they'd celebrated a few modest Christmases, but their dad had discouraged that behavior pretty quickly. 

Other than those few Christmases with Dean when they were children, Sam had also celebrated a few Christmases as an adult. 

He had spent a couple of Christmases together with Jess. He would always treasure those memories, bittersweet though they were. 

Then there was the Christmas he'd celebrated with Dean, right before his brother went to Hell. That had mostly been for Dean's benefit. Those particular memories were horrible. Everything about that year had been horrible. The whole year was best left forgotten. 

This Christmas was going to be different. No one was dying or going to Hell. They weren't hunkered down in some random hotel room, hungry and worried about their dad. They had a home of their own. The bunker. 

Sam had somewhat reluctantly started to think of it as their home, mostly to please his brother, but in all fairness, other than Bobby's, it was the closest to a home they'd ever had. 

And perhaps most importantly, Cas was there with them. He was their very own, self-proclaimed, third wheel. He was their brother in all but blood and having him in the bunker felt right. 

Sam found his brother in the living room. The room was shrouded in darkness, with the Christmas tree as the only source of light. He could barely make out the silhouette of his brother, standing by the couch. 

Sam opened his mouth to greet him, but Dean shushed him. He motioned towards the sofa. Sam snuck over to take a look. 

Cas was curled up on the couch, sleeping. His face was relaxed and peaceful. He looked younger, more innocent. 

He looked human, Sam thought somewhat sadly.

Dean grabbed one of the blankets on the armchair. He unfurled it and carefully covered Cas with it, in a gesture of tenderness. 

Sam smiled softly. His brother was just a big old softie, underneath that rough exterior. 

Dean interrupted his thoughts by motioning towards the kitchen, before heading there. Sam followed him. 

 

Once in the kitchen, Dean started brewing coffee, making sure to be as silent as possible. 

"Has he been there all night?"

Dean shrugged. 

"No idea. He was there when I woke up, about half an hour ago."

"Asleep?"

Dean nodded. For a while, there was nothing but the sound of the coffee machine. Dean grabbed a couple of mugs and placed them on the table. 

"Nightmares?"

Dean stilled. 

"Probably, "he answered. "I mean, he's not used to sleeping. And let's face it, with everything that's happened, he has a lot of nightmare material."

Sam sighed. It wasn't unexpected. Nightmares were part of being human. As a child, he'd suffered from terrible nightmares, especially once he'd found out the truth about his father's job. But Dean had always been there to comfort him. 

Cas had been all alone when he'd became human. There had been no one there to help him deal with things like these, things that were a normal part of life for him and his brother. No Dean. No Sam. Just him and his nightmares.

That sucked. 

"You've got to be kidding me?"

"What?" Sam looked questioningly at his brother. 

"That, "Dean answered, gesturing towards Sam's clothes. "You're going for a run."

"I always go for a run in the mornings, Dean, "Sam explained, rolling his eyes. "Don't tell me you've only now noticed."

"Don't get smart with me, Sammy. You know what I mean. It's Christmas morning."

Sam grinned. 

"See you in a while, "he said, before exiting the kitchen. The last thing he saw before leaving was Dean shaking his head in despair and throwing his hands up in defeat. 

 

Sam decided to keep his morning jog relatively short. Dean did have a point. It was Christmas day after all, and he wanted to spend as much of it with Dean and Cas as possible. 

By the time he got back, he felt completely awake and alert. The fresh, cold air had done him good. His mind was clear and the morning tiredness, that he hated so much, was gone.

After enjoying a refreshing shower and getting into some clean clothes, he headed towards the kitchen. 

Cas was still sleeping on the couch. Dean was tinkering in the kitchen. 

Sam briefly considered whether he should wake Castiel or not when the former angel made a noise of distress. 

"No, "he muttered. "I won't do it, Naomi. Please, don't make me...." Despite his restless words, he was lying very still, almost as if restrained.

Sam carefully knelt down next to the couch. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Dean entering the living room, frowning worriedly. They shared a quick look. 

"Hey, Cas, "Sam said in a soothing voice. "Wake up. It's just a dream." He slowly placed a hand on Castiel's shoulder to wake him. 

The moment he touched him, Castiel's eyes snapped open. There was no sign of awareness in his gaze. His face was blank. 

Sam jumped in surprise, sensing where this was going. He quickly backed away, but he wasn't fast enough. 

Cas had only a fraction of his former strength and speed, but the way he went for Sam's throat was impressive nonetheless. Before Sam could reach safety, there was a hand around his throat. 

Why was it always his throat?

Dean took a step forward, alarmed. Cas didn't take his eyes of Sam, but he squeezed his hand harder in warning. Sam made a noise of protest. 

Dean halted in his steps. He held up his hands placatingly. 

"Cas, buddy, "he said. There was a nervous tremor in his voice. "That's Sammy you're strangling. I know his throat is like a magnet for trouble, but this is not in the spirit of Christmas."

Sam threw his brother a disgruntled look. His lungs were starting to burn from the lack of oxygen. He briefly wondered if Cas would still be able to break his neck, even as a human. 

Judging by the terrified look on Dean's face, his thoughts were running along the same lines. 

Dean's words seemed to be getting through to Cas. The grip around Sam's neck slowly eased as Cas seemed to become more aware of his surroundings. His face went from empty to confused to horrified when he realized what he was doing. 

Cas made a choked noise in the back of his throat. All the blood seemed to drain from his face, leaving him as pale as a ghost. He quickly released his grip on Sam. Then he sunk back onto the couch. He stared at his hands with a mixture of horror and disbelief. 

Sam carefully massaged his tender neck. 

Dean threw him a concerned, questioning look. Sam nodded at him, letting his brother know that he was okay. Dean gave him a relieved smile. Then he turned his attention towards Cas, who was starting to shake. 

"Cas-?"

"I'm sorry, "Cas murmured. "I'm sorry." He kept his eyes on his hands, as if afraid of what they would get up to if he wasn't watching them. 

Dean moved closer to the couch. He sat down next to his friend. 

"Cas, you with us?" 

Cas nodded. He looked up at Sam, at the bruises that Sam knew were forming around his throat, before quickly dropping his gaze in shame, hunching his shoulders.

"I'm okay, Cas. I promise, "Sam reassured him hoarsely. "Hey, look at me." 

Cas seemed to steel himself. He squared his shoulders and met Sam's eyes. 

Whatever he saw on Sam's face made him relax slightly. 

"I'm okay, Cas. It's okay." 

Dean placed a comforting hand on Castiel's shoulder. 

"See. It's all good. You just had a nightmare and woke up confused and swinging. It happens to the best of us."

Sam nodded empathetically, making sure to look as sincere as possible. 

"Lord only knows how many times Dean has punched me when I've tried to wake him from a nightmare, and vice versa, "Sam said. 

Cas relaxed, sinking further back into the couch. He buried his face in his shaking hands. He let out a shuddering sigh. 

"Do you want some coffee? I've made enough for all of us."

Dean's suggestion was more than welcome. 

 

Castiel's hands were still shaking when Dean poured him a cup of coffee. Sam declined the coffee, opting instead to drink some cold water. Dean poured himself some coffee. Then he grabbed a bag of frozen peas and gave them to Sam, instructing him to hold it against his neck. Sam glared at him but did as told. Dean snorted.

Cas fiddled with the cup for a while, worried that in his shaken state his stomach might reject the drink. He took a few calming breaths before taking a careful sip. 

"So, Naomi, huh? Wanna talk about it?"

Cas choked on his coffee. Sam glared even harder at his brother. Then he reached over to clap Cas on the back. Dean looked suitably chagrined. 

Cas cleared his throat a couple of times.

"You were talking in your sleep, "Sam explained, once Castiel seemed suitably recovered. "That's why I woke you up. It sounded like you were having a nightmare. You mentioned the name, Naomi."

Cas stiffened. 

"You mentioned her before, while we were talking about Gadreel, "Sam continued, scrutinizing him carefully. "You wanna tell us about her?"

Cas shook his head. The less the Winchesters knew about Naomi, the better. Samandriel, the Dean-clones, all of it, was better left forgotten. 

"She's dead, "Cas said quickly. "There's nothing to talk about." He wrung his hands nervously. 

Sam sighed. 

"Is this the first time you've dreamt about her?" When Cas didn't answer, Sam continued. "Do you think it will be the last time?" 

Cas squirmed unhappily, before sighing. 

"No, "he whispered in a defeated voice. 

"Talking about things can help, "Dean encouraged him. Sam lifted an eyebrow at his brother. "Don't look at me like that. I can do feelings if I have to." 

Sam scoffed. Dean punched him lightly in the shoulder. Then he turned to face Cas. 

"Is this about what happened at the crypt?" Cas flinched before nodding. The mere memory of what he's done to Dean was enough to turn his stomach. "Naomi ordered you to bring her the angel tablet? That's why you tried to kill me?"

"Yes, "Cas admitted reluctantly. "She brought me back from Purgatory to serve Heaven's will, her will. But it goes further than that. She's been messing with my head for way longer than that, erasing my memories, controlling me, brainwashing me. And it's not just me. It's other angels as well."

"Is that why you attacked Sam? You thought he was Naomi?"

"No, "Cas admitted unhappily. "I knew it was Sam." 

There was an uncomfortable silence. 

"What?" Dean sounded shocked. "But-?"

"I knew it was Sam and I attacked him anyway. Had I been in possession of my angel blade then he would be dead. That goes for you as well."

"Cas-, "Sam started.

"No, it's true. Naomi trained me to kill you. I could have killed you. I almost did. I only stopped because I realized in time that no one was controlling me." 

"Exactly, you stopped." Sam's loyalty to him, even after everything, made him want to weep. 

"But if I'd had my blade then it would have been too little too late. I would have killed Sam." Cas aimed the last bit at Dean, hoping to get through to him. Something like this could not happen again. 

Sam's neck was bruised. He wasn't complaining, but Cas knew that it must hurt terribly. The sight made Castiel feel sick to his stomach. There was no Naomi to blame this time. She was dead. 

This was all on him.

Suddenly he knew exactly how to fix this.

"I need to leave."

"What?" The outburst came simultaneously from both Dean and Sam. 

"I need to leave, "Cas repeated. "I'm not safe to be around."

"The Hell you do, "Dean shouted, getting up. "You're staying right here."

"Dean-" Cas needed to make him understand why this was the right thing to do. There was no other way.

"No, "Dean said. "Case closed."

"I killed...She made me kill Samandriel, "Cas admitted ashamedly. He didn't have the courage to look at either one of the brothers. 

"Wait? I thought you said that was self-defense? That he attacked you and you had no choice?" Sam sounded surprised. Dean sat back down slowly, apparently speechless.

Castiel shook his head. 

"He knew too much. Naomi wanted him dead." Cas laughed bitterly. "Samandriel trusted me. And I killed him. He was safer with the demons." 

"What a bitch, "Dean snapped. 

"It seems like I'm doomed to kill my brothers, "Cas said, feeling defeated.

"No, "Sam said determinedly. "It wasn't your fault. Just like Kevin wasn't my fault. That's what you told me, remember?"

Cas sighed. 

"That was different, Sam. That was Gadreel. You were just the vessel." Sam shook his head. 

"It is the same, Cas, "Sam explained tiredly. "Stop blaming yourself for all the things Naomi made you do. You were just as much her victim as Samandriel was."

"You don't understand."

"I do understand. I understand you better than anyone, but you are not to blame for anything that Naomi made you do. Please stay with us. You belong here, in the bunker, "Sam pleaded. 

"Sam's right, "Dean said. "Stay."

Cas looked from Dean's earnest face to Sam's pleading eyes. Then he nodded hesitantly. 

They broke into relieved grins. 

Leaving on Christmas day would be rude anyway, after all the trouble that Dean and Sam had gone though.He would spend the day with them. The memories would keep him company and comfort him once he left. 

He would leave later when the Winchesters were sleeping, sneak away into the dark like a thief in the night.

It was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to give you a heads up, next chapter will probably be the last one. I'll try to tie the story up in that chapter.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas gifts, finally! 
> 
> Also, the boys get to spend a nice Christmas together.   
> Sam and Dean are already happily planning next years Christmas, unknowing of the fact that Cas is planning on leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, folks. The final chapter. Hope you enjoy=)

The dinner had been magnificent. Most of the work had been done by Dean, with help from Sam. Castiel's part had been modest, to say the least. He'd fetched and peeled and even tasted, but mostly he'd observed the ongoing work. He'd had no idea just how much work went into making a Christmas dinner. The ham itself took hours to prepare. Luckily for them, Dean seemed to have some experience in the kitchen. 

Soon enough the whole bunker had been filled with the delicious smell of ham, and later all three men were in the living room, groaning and rubbing their bellies. 

Sam had taken the biggest sofa. He was lying on his back, legs dangling over the end of the armrest. One of his arms was covering his face.

Dean was occupying one of the armchairs. He wasn't so much sitting as lounging in the chair. The elder Winchester was groaning dramatically.

Cas was lying on the smaller sofa, curled up on his side. He was rubbing his stomach in a desperate attempt to ease the ache. Dear Lord. It felt like his stomach was going to burst. How could one be this full?

Dean groaned again. 

"Shut up, Dean, "Sam said tiredly. 

"You shut up, "Dean answered.

Sam waved dismissively in his direction.

"I can't believe We're the same people who stopped the world from getting destroyed, more than once, "Dean said. 

"Can you imagine Crowley's face if he saw us now." 

Dean snorted.

"He'd be too shocked to take advantage of our vulnerability."

Sam laughed. 

Cas moaned in pain. 

"You alright there, Cas?" Dean sounded more amused than worried. 

Dean was so lucky that Cas was no longer able to smite things. Otherwise, there would have been nothing but a pile of dust left of the elder Winchester. This whole situation was obviously his fault, seeing as he'd been in charge of the food. 

Most creatures would have fled when leveled with Castiel's worst glare. 

Dean just laughed. 

"I'll get you something for your stomach, "Sam said. He got up, slowly. Cas didn't think he'd ever seen him move that slowly unless injured. 

The moment Sam left the living room, Dean got up and laid down on the unoccupied sofa. 

"Oh, how mature, "Sam commented upon his return. "How very mature." He was holding a glass of water, a spoon and a bottle of medicine. " Here you go." He handed the glass to Cas. Then he unscrewed the bottle and poured some medicine onto the spoon.

"Just swallow this, "Sam instructed." It'll make you feel better."

Castiel nodded and carefully accepted the spoon.

The medicine tasted funny, but the water helped with that. 

He laid back down to rest. 

Sam stretched slowly, back popping. 

"Why don't we watch a movie or something?"

"Good idea Sammy, "Dean answered. "What do you think Cas?"

"Sounds good." 

"But first, gifts?" Dean's face was excited. 

When Sam nodded, Castiel felt a jolt of excitement. He started to get up, but the pain in his stomach made him lie back down. 

Sam gave him a sympathetic smile. 

"Why don't we wait for the medicine to work before opening gifts, "Sam suggested. 

Dean threw his hands in the air, groaning in disappointment.

"Yes, "Cas agreed. "That's probably for the best." He started rubbing his belly again. 

"The stomach is a strange thing, is it not?" Castiel broke the silence. "It hurts when you eat too much, and it hurts when you eat too little. When I was homeless, I used to dream about a big meal like this. Now the mere thought of food makes me feel ill." 

Dean shifted guiltily. 

"You won't ever have to worry about that ever again, "Dean reassured him. "You'll never have to go hungry while you're with us. What happened earlier, that was a mistake. My mistake."

Cas gave him a nod and tried to look as reassured as possible. Dean, of course, had no idea that he was leaving the bunker and that soon he would be fending for himself again. 

"Why don't I go get the gifts?" Dean got up.

"I thought we were gonna wait for a while, "Sam said disapprovingly. 

"We don't need to open them straight away, Sammy, "Dean explained patiently. "We can just...look at them."

"Look at them?" Sam lifted an eyebrow.

"Exactly, "Dean affirmed. 

"Fine." Sam rolled his eyes. 

"My gifts are in my room. What about you guys?"

"Same here."

"Cas?"

"The gifts are on the dresser in my bedroom. I can get them."

"No, It's ok, "Dean said. "Stay right there and rest your stomach. I'll get them."

He took off before Castiel had time to protest. 

"He seems excited, "he noted. Sam snorted. 

"My brother has the mental age of a five years old. How much do you want to bet he's trying to figure out what's inside those gift wraps?"

Cas had a sudden image of Dean examining the gifts with care, feeling the texture and testing the weight. Suddenly he was oddly tempted to do the same. What could Sam and Dean have bought for him? Would they like what he got for them? 

He was starting to feel nervous. 

"Here we go, "Dean said, returning to the living room. He gingerly placed a lap full of gifts under the tree. "Right, let's do this. I'll begin."

"It's Castiel's first Christmas. Maybe he should go first."

"But Sammy, "Dean whined. "I can't wait any longer. I have to know what I'm getting."

"Dean, you're a grown man-"

"I don't mind, "Cas interjected. "Dean can go first." 

Dean gave Sam a smug look. 

Sam just rolled his eyes. 

Dean grabbed one of the gifts from under the tree. 

"That one's from me, "Sam said. "Merry Christmas." 

Dean practically tore the wrapping paper off to reveal a box set of DVD:s. 

"The Godfather movies, "Dean exclaimed happily. "Nice. Thanks, Sammy. You do know I'll make you guys watch them with me, right?"

"It's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make."

"I too would like to hear the story of this Godfather and his ward, "Castiel admitted, feeling curious. "The role of a Godparent is an important one in a child's life."

The brothers shared a look before bursting out laughing. Cas opened his mouth to ask what was so funny, but Sam waved a dismissive hand at him.

"Not that kind of Godfather, or movie for that matter, "he explained. "You'll understand once you see the movies."

Oh well then. 

Cas supposed he would just have to wait to be let in on the joke. Oh, how he hated this. He was always in the dark when the boys made this kind off references. It felt like they were communicating in a different language.

Some of his thoughts must have shown on his face because Dean gave him a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, buddy. We'll get you caught up on pop culture in no time."

Castiel nodded, feeling mollified. Dean gave him another smile before grabbing another gift from under their tree. 

"This from you?" 

"Yes, "Cas answered nervously. "Merry Christmas." 

Dean hastily opened the gift. He laughed when he noticed the magazines. 

"Cool."

Then he noticed the other gift. 

"What's this?" He turned it over. "Oh, it's a calendar."

"It has pictures of old cars in it, "Cas explained, suddenly feeling somewhat foolish. Why hadn't he found something better? 

"Cool." Dean started looking through the calendar. 

"Do you- Do you like it?"

"Huh?" Dean looked up distractedly. "Oh, Yes. Cas, I love it. It's brilliant. Thank you."

The joy on Dean's face was so earnest that Cas knew he wasn't just saying that. 

"Sam, look at this, "Dean suddenly said. He showed Sam one of the pages. "What a beauty."

Sam just nodded, smiling indulgently. Then he turned towards Cas. 

"Why don't we give you your gifts next. I can go last."

Cas was suddenly feeling nervous again. No, not nervous. Excited. 

Sam grabbed one of the bigger gifts. 

"Here you go, "he said, handing him a big rectangular gift. "Merry Christmas, Cas."

Cas accepted the gift. It made a scrambling noise when he grabbed it. He froze. Sam gave him an encouraging look. Cas shook the gift.

There was that sound again. It sounded like there were lots of small things in inside the gift. 

Now very curious, Castiel placed the gift in his lap. He started unwrapping it slowly and carefully, making sure not to tear the beautiful wrapping paper. 

"No. Not like that, "Dean said, shifting eagerly in his seat. 

"What?" Cas stopped, wondering what he was doing wrong.

"You're supposed to tear the paper off. It all just goes in the trash anyway."

"But it's so beautiful, "Cas lamented. 

"Fine." Dean gave a long-suffering sigh. Cas continued unwrapping the gift with great care. 

"Just like you when we were kids, "Dean said to Sam. "It used to drive me insane."

"Why do you think I did it in the first place?" Sam smiled. 

"Oh, you sneaky little..." Dean tried to hit his brother with a pillow. He missed and nearly hit the lamp on the side table. While Sam lectured his brother on how to behave like a grown-up, Castiel finished unwrapping his gift. 

It was a box with a picture of a landscape on it. It had a number in the corner, 1000. Castiel knew what this was. He'd seen something like this before.

"It's a puzzle, "he exclaimed, a pleased smile spreading on his face. 

"I saw it at the store and thought of you. It requires both patience and concentration, and I know you have both." 

"Thank you, Sam. I love it." Castiel opened the box, revealing a bag full of small pieces. 

"You can build it in the library if you want to, "Dean said. "The table there is big enough."

Cas nodded. He could barely wait. 

"Okay, "Dean said, clapping his hands together. "My turn." He grabbed one of the smaller gifts. "This one is from me. Merry Christmas, buddy."

Cas took the gift and examined it. It was smaller than the one he got from Sam. He made sure to unwrap the gift just as carefully. Dean sighed deeply, but this time Cas wasn't so easily deterred. He kept going until the content, a cartoon DVD, was revealed. 

He gave Dean a questioning look. 

"It's Looney Tunes, "Dean explained. "Like earlier, from the Hotel. The coyote chasing the-"

"-bird, "Cas finished. "I remember. It was funny." He looked down at the gift. That had been months ago. The fact that Dean still remembered this made Cas feel pleased. "Thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome."

"Is it my turn now?" Sam did his best to sound calm, but it was easy to sense the excitement hidden under the surface. 

"I don't know about that, Sammy. Have you been good this year? Maybe you're not getting anything?" Sam gave his brother a disgruntled look. 

"Here you go, Sam, "Castiel said, quickly handing him his gift, just in case he started to think that he wasn't getting any gifts. It wouldn't do for Sam to be sad on Christmas. "Merry Christmas."

"Thank you." Sam flashed him his dimples. He unwrapped the gift containing the two books Castiel had chosen for him. "Whoah. Thank you, Cas."

"I hope you like them."

"I'm sure I will. It'll be great to have something to read that doesn't involve hunting." Sam looked closer at the books, turning them over to read the back.

Cas felt relieved. Both Sam and Dean had liked their gifts, despite him having no prior experience of shopping for Christmas gifts. 

"And this is from me, "Dean said. He grabbed the biggest gift from under the tree before handing it to his brother. "Merry Christmas, Sammy." 

Sam curiously shook the gift. When it made no discernable sound, he started tearing off the paper. Then he laughed out loud. 

"You used to love playing that. Weren't you in a club at school or at least one of the schools we went to?"

"You're right. Oh, I haven't played in forever. Thank you, Dean." Dean smiled back, clearly pleased. "It's a Chessboard, "Sam added, seeing Castiel's curious look. 

"Ah, "Cas nodded understandingly. "I see. I have heard of Chess."

"We'll show you how to play, "Dean said. "I've never been good at the game. Maybe you can give him a proper challenge once we teach you?" 

"I would like that."

There were still a couple of gifts under the tree, despite the fact that they'd all had their gifts. Castiel looked at them curiously. Dean followed his gaze. 

"Oh, I forgot about those." He grabbed the gifts and handed them to Cas. "These are for you."

Cas blinked in surprise. 

"But-I already got my gifts."

"Not all of them, "Dean said. "Come on. Open them."

This time Cas didn't waste any time unwrapping the gifts. The first gift turned out to be a couple of t-shirts and sweaters. The second one contained a pair of sweatpants, and the last one had some socks and underwear.

"I hope they fit you, "Sam said. "We can go get you some more after Christmas, but we figured you might like having some clothes of your own to wear." 

Dean nodded eagerly. 

Castiel's eyes filled with tears, turning everything blurry. He distracted himself by running his hands over the soft material of the sweaters. A hand on his shoulder brought his attention to Dean, who was watching him with a worried look in his eyes. 

"You okay?"

Cas nodded, not trusting himself to be able to speak. Dean smiled at him, kindly. Then he clapped him comfortingly on the shoulder and leaned back in his chair. 

"Are these-?"Castiel cleared his throat. "Are these all mine?" Surely they couldn't be? It was too much. 

"They're all yours, "Dean confirmed. "And like Sam said, we'll get you more after Christmas."

I won't be here after Christmas, Cas thought but stayed silent.

"Thank you, "he said instead. "Both of you."

"You're welcome, "the Winchesters answered in sync. Then they looked at each other sheepishly. 

"Right, "Dean said, getting up. "What now? Do you guys want to watch a movie or something?"

Sam shrugged. Castiel looked longingly at the puzzle. He wanted to try it before he left. Dean grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. The sound of gunfire filled the room.

"Yes, "he exclaimed. "Die Hard. My favorite Christmas movie."

"I don't understand, "Cas admitted, looking at the bloody and sweaty man who was shooting people with a machine gun. 

"It takes place on Christmas, "Sam explained. He sounded like he'd had this discussion before. "That's why it's a Christmas movie."

"I see."

Cas leaned back in his seat. Might as well get comfortable.

 

 

The movie had been very enjoyable. It had been both amusing and exciting. Dean had insisted that they watch the whole thing one day, and the sequel as well. 

Then they ate more. In order to avoid giving himself another stomach ache, Cas made sure to eat less and slower.

Even now, there was a lot of food left. 

Maybe he could bring some of it with him when he left? 

After food, Sam asked Castiel if he wanted to play some Chess, to which he readily agreed. Dean had once again overdone it with the food and lay moaning on the couch.

And that was why Sam and he were sat playing Chess in the library. The rules seemed simple enough. He suspected that Sam was going easy on him, occasionally giving him advice and reminding him of the rules.

"You're doing great, "Sam said. "It can be a bit overwhelming at first but trust me, you are doing much better than Dean ever has."

"Hey, I can hear you, you know, "Dean shouted from the living room. "I'm not deaf."

"You're rubbish at Chess, "Sam shouted back. "Even you can't deny that." 

"That's because it's boring."

Personally, Cas thought that the game was anything but boring. It required a lot of concentration and strategy. Even now he was thinking a few moves ahead to try and trap Sam's pieces.

At some point, Dean joined them in the library, mostly, it seemed, to help him win. 

In the end, Sam ended up winning anyway much to Dean's dismay. 

"Don't worry, Cas, "Dean consoled him, patting him on the back. "We'll get him next time."

 

 

They ended up watching another movie, this one about a little boy who was left home alone on Christmas after his parents forgot to bring him along on their trip.

The story had taken a surprising turn when a pair of burglars had set their eyes on the boys home. The kid had been anything but helpless and the criminals had ended up being the victims of some horrific traps, some of them downright brutal.

Castiel had given up on trying to understand what all these movies had to do with the original meaning of Christmas.

They were, nonetheless, still very enjoyable.

After the movie, he excused himself and retreated to his room, claiming that he was too sleepy to stay awake any longer. In reality, he started collecting his meager belongings in a bag and mentally preparing himself for leaving the comforts of the bunker and his friends behind. 

 

 

"So, What do you think? Is this the start of a beautiful, new tradition?"

Sam rolled his eyes, but the effect was somewhat ruined by the relaxed smile on his face. He lay sprawled on the couch. The bruises on his neck looked macabre in the light of the Christmas tree, but they would fade soon enough. 

"I'm on board with that, "he answered. "And I think that Cas would agree."

"Yeah." Dean looked affectionately at his vintage cars-calendar. And to think that he'd been worried about Castiel's ability to choose gifts. Not that it mattered to him, or Sam for that matter, but he'd just wanted everything to be perfect for Castiel's first Christmas and for him not to feel bad about anything. 

"Sam?"

"Hm?" Sam was absentmindedly channel surfing. 

"Are we gonna be okay?"

Sam put down the remote and gave his brother a serious, considering look. 

Dean began to feel nervous. 

"Yeah, "Sam answered after a while. "I think we are."

"I'll be a better brother to you, I promise." Dean needed to know that his brother believed him when he said that he would try harder to fix things between them. 

"That's not possible. You're already the best brother anyone could ever wish for." 

The absolution in his brother's words made Dean's eyes water. 

"Fuck you, Sammy, "he muttered. "Now look what you've done." He turned away and wiped his eyes discretely. 

It was bad enough Cas had teared up when presented with clothes as if they were some great miracle bestowed on him by God, instead of just a basic human commodity. 

He'd be damned if he ruined the mood by crying in front of Sam.

He'd never hear the end of it. 

Except, come to think of it, Sam was also looking a bit misty eyed.

Dean snorted. What a fine pair they made. Whatever would Cas think of them if he saw them now? 

He needed to fix this, right now. Time to escape. 

"You wanna beer?" 

Sam cleared his throat.

"Yeah, "he answered hoarsely. "A beer sounds good."

Dean got them a couple of beers from the kitchen. Sam had finally settled on a channel. Apparently, they were watching a talk show of some sorts. 

"Hey Sam, "Dean said after a while.

"Yeah?"

"You're wrong, you know?"

Sam threw him a questioning look. 

"I can't possibly be the best brother anyone could wish for because that's you." 

Sam sniffed and wiped his eyes. Dean pretended not to notice. 

 

 

Unknown to the two brothers, Cas was ready to leave their lives, at least temporary. He'd find some way to take care of himself and evade the other angels. Once he felt he could trust himself again, he would return. 

A bag was packed ready and hidden under his bed, just in case Sam or Dean walked in. Now there was only one thing left to do. Wait until the brothers fell asleep so he could sneak away. 

He eyed the gifts he'd gotten from the brothers. He'd have to leave them behind. Hopefully, they'd still be here when he came back. Surely they wouldn't be angry enough with him to throw them away. 

It was well after midnight when Cas finally decided to make his escape. It had been quite for hours, so the coast was probably clear. He made sure to be as silent as possible as he made his way down the corridor, past the brother's bedrooms, and towards the library, well aware that he was sneaking past two hunters. It wouldn't take much for one or both of them to wake up, and then his plans would be ruined.

Thankfully, he was more than adept at sneaking. 

He was already halfway through the darkened library when a voice rang out from the darkness. 

"And just where do you think you're going?" 

Cas jumped in fright. He turned towards the voice, heart beating fast. 

The lights came on with a click, revealing Dean by the table. His face was somber. His whole body seemed to radiate unhappiness and disappointment. 

"Dean, I was just-" Cas quickly tried to come up with an explanation as to why he was up in the middle of the night, sneaking around with a packed bag. 

Nothing came to mind. 

"Looks to me like you were about to sneak away, "Dean said. Cas shifted guiltily on his feet but met Deans gaze in defiance.

Dean shook his head unhappily.

"Dean-"

"Don't you Dean me. What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

"You know what I'm doing. You saw what I did to your brother. I can't risk something like that happening again." It was important that Dean understood. Why didn't he understand? He was doing this for them. 

"I'm not safe, "Cas admitted ashamedly. "I can't trust myself anymore. All the things Naomi did to me and the things I've done. I'm not safe to be around. Please let me leave." 

"I can't do that, Cas, "Dean said firmly. "You're family."

"You let me go once before to protect Sam. You can do it again." Cas was surprised by the bitterness in his voice. Maybe he wasn't as alright with being told to leave as he thought he'd been. 

"Don't-"

"Don't what, Dean?" Cas felt tired. 

"Don't leave, "Dean pleaded. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I told you to leave. I should never have done that."

Cas felt guilty for bringing that up again. He opened his mouth to apologize, but the words got stuck in his throat when Dean darted forward to hug him. 

"Stay, "Dean pleaded. 

Cas gingerly returned the hug, still unused to human displays of affection. Then he nodded. 

Dean squeezed him. Then he released him and clapped him on the shoulder. He smiled gratefully at Cas.

Cas returned the smile. 

A sudden shout coming from down the corridor made them both jump in surprise. 

"Sammy?" Dean grabbed a gun from one of the shelves while Castiel drew his angel blade. There was the sound of running, and then Sam showed up, hair ruffled and feet bare, with an alarmed look on his face. 

"Cas is gone, "Sam huffed. "He's not in his room and his stuff's missing." He glanced around the room and did a double take when he noticed Cas.

Cas shifted awkwardly on his feet, putting away his blade. 

"Hello, Sam." 

Sam gaped like a fish. He looked at the bag Cas had dropped by his feet, then he turned to Dean, furious. 

"No, "he hissed. "No, Dean. Tell me you haven't. He's staying. You can't just-"

"No, Sam, "Dean interrupted, upset. "This wasn't my idea." 

"Dean is telling the truth. I was going to leave, but he talked me out of it." Cas felt it best to interfere so that the peace between the brothers wouldn't suffer because of him.

"Why?" Sam sounded so disappointed that Castiel felt a stab of guilt. He looked at the bruises on his neck. Sam's face shifted from dismayed to understanding. "Oh." 

"Like Cas said, we sorted it. He's not going anywhere, "Dean reassured his brother. "Right, Cas?" He gave Castiel a questioning look. 

Cas just nodded. 

Sam still looked worried, so Cas took a step forward.

"I'm staying. I promise. I just-What I did to you, it scared me." 

"Okay." Sam nodded, relaxing. "Okay. I believe you."

The atmosphere in the room relaxed. Dean seemed to realize that he was still holding a gun and hastened to put it away.

"Okay, "Sam repeated. "Well, maybe I should go back to sleep then."

"Yeah, I'll do the same, "Dean said. "It's been a long day. Cas?"

Cas just nodded. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had a home. He had a family. He just needed to embrace it. 

Later he would wonder if they'd really taken his word for it, or if they'd kept watch to make sure that he didn't try to leave again. 

He couldn't really blame them if they had. 

But he'd meant it when he'd promised that he was staying. His place was here, with the Winchesters. He knew that now more than ever. 

For the first time in a long while, Cas let himself feel safe.

He wasn't going anywhere. 

He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to everyone who commented or left a kudos. It means a lot. 
> 
> And of course, thank you to everyone who's stayed with the story even though it dragged on a little bit longer than I thought it would.
> 
> It's surprisingly stressful to write a multi-chaptered story. 
> 
> Still, I've mostly enjoyed myself and I hope you guys have felt the same way=)
> 
> Bye for now=)


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